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You're about to get eaten by a pig.
Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
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For reference:

  • The pig is 50 feet tall.

  • It weighs 1 Godzillaton (i.e. 1 Godzillion tons)

  • It eats everything in 2 seconds.

  • Its "circle of eatiness" is 200 miles in diameter, i.e. It eats everything in a hundred-mile radius. Note: It doesn't eat itself.

Oh and by the way the pig looks like this (note: NOT TO SCALE):
{"name":"687474703a2f2f692e696d6775722e636f6d2f763563514874562e6a7067","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/6\/2\/62a331b0e02880bd5b1fc8a3df52095b.jpg","w":1023,"h":682,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/6\/2\/62a331b0e02880bd5b1fc8a3df52095b"}687474703a2f2f692e696d6775722e636f6d2f763563514874562e6a7067

Now, suppose I were to say to you right now: There's a pig behind you. Which is to say, you have two seconds before you, er, "mysteriously disappear". What do you do, hotshot? What do you do?

:pig_nose: *MUNCH*

Chris Katko
Member #1,881
January 2002
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It eats everything in 2 seconds.

Everything it desires to eat, or everything that exists in the universe including itself?

If the latter, I would use my Allegro mind control to inform the pig that eating everything will also force the pig itself to cease to exist.

Additionally, if eating the universe has an order, I will attempt to order myself after the point at which the pig eats itself, stopping the reaction.

-----sig:
“Programs should be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute.” - Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
avatar

"Everything" in that context just meant that any given instance of the pig eating something (including everything within a 100 mile radius of the said something, per clause 4) takes two seconds, regardless of how much or little it actually ends up eating. So yes, the meaning was closer to "everything it desires to eat at the time".

Also note: The 100-mile eating radius is not circular but spherical. This fact may be exploitable in formulating an escape plan.

edit: Also, per Clause 4, it specifically avoids eating itself.

Gideon Weems
Member #3,925
October 2003

The first thing I do is leave my hotel room and enter the hallway, which is at the center of the building. This will buy me some time, as if the pig does not know of my existence, it cannot "desire to eat" me.

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
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Hm, I'm not sure that works. Per Clause 4, it eats everything within a hundred-mile radius of whatever it chooses to eat (the so-called "circle of eatiness"). The pig doesn't have to know you exist to eat you--essentially, you're collateral damage.

Bob Keane
Member #7,342
June 2006

If its anything like the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, I would wrap my towel around my head.

By reading this sig, I, the reader, agree to render my soul to Bob Keane. I, the reader, understand this is a legally binding contract and freely render my soul.
If we get apple juice from squeezing apples, and we get prunes from drying out plums, where does prune juice come from?
Hi Randall Monroe.

Edgar Reynaldo
Member #8,592
May 2007
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Bruce Pascoe said:

You're about to get eaten by a pig.

Phew! For a minute there I thought you were gonna say we're about to be eaten by a grue! At least the pig will probably swallow us whole, but a grue? It's too grue-some for words. :/

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
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Do keep in mind though, that it's still possible for the grue to get eaten by the pig. In which case NOT getting eaten at all is still ultimately to your advantage. ;)

Bruce Perry
Member #270
April 2000

OK, I'll bite.

For a pig weighing 1 Godzillaton to appear behind me, a large amount of potential energy representing the former gravitational separation between us must be converted to kinetic energy. I intend to use either a highly elastic collision or the gravitational slingshot effect to escape. 100 miles in 2 seconds should be achievable, especially if I run away a little too to boost my momentum.

Did I win?

--
Bruce "entheh" Perry [ Web site | DUMB | Set Up Us The Bomb !!! | Balls ]
Programming should be fun. That's why I hate C and C++.
The brxybrytl has you.

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
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So basically, your plan is to let the pig barrel into you to bounce you away to safety. Is that about the gist of it? That... might just be crazy enough to work! You win the prize!

...which is, um, a one-way ticket to the inside of the pig. *MUNCH*

NEXT! ;)

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
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I don't believe pigs to be highly elastic and instead imagine a collision would severely injure and potentially liquidify Bruce, making him even easier to consume.

The pig cannot weigh more than the planet or else you would be uncontrollably attracted towards it (and, of course, the trajectory of the planet and moon and other nearby bodies would be offset). Similarly, if the planet's gravity was more than that of the pig then I'm certain the planet's gravity would act against your attempts to slingshot.

The slingshot effect must also depend on the ability to accelerate within certain tolerances for the gravity between your vehicle and the body in question, which I think we can imagine requires moving significantly faster than any man can do under human power (or else the physics in this world might look more like the physics in Final Fantasy).

All Bruce could have achieved is speeding up the feasting by futilely accelerating adjacent, and ultimately closer, to the beast. >:(

Urban Dictionary defines "godzillion" as "the largest number ever". We know this to be significantly heavier than any known mass in the universe (because by definition if we knew of it then a godzillion would have to be more), meaning that it would suck us all in to its gravitational core like a godzillion black holes in one.

There is no escape. Only peace in knowing that you'd never see it coming and you'd never exist after your demise to suffer the consequences.

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
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Despite not coming up with a way to not get eaten by the pig, bambam nonetheless wins the thread. :P

Seriously, that post was awesome.

...but unfortunately for you, you're still going to get eaten by the pig.
🐽 *MUNCH*

NEXT! Keep 'em coming guys! Eventually we'll find a way to stop this pig, physics be damned.

Polybios
Member #12,293
October 2010

Assuming the pig has some form of digestion, there must also be huge amounts of ... digestive end products.

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
avatar

Oh, there's another wrinkle I failed to mention: Due to a deal with the devil that the pig in question made years ago, whatever it eats comes back good as new 24 hours later, reappearing wherever it was when it got eaten. This probably sounds like a good thing, but it means that once the pig knows about you, you'll keep coming back, and getting eaten again, forever.

Gideon Weems
Member #3,925
October 2003

Is the pig mobile?

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
avatar

The pig is indeed mobile, but extremely slow due to... mass issues. :P

Gideon Weems
Member #3,925
October 2003

I have a broken toe. The pig eats me, digests me, and the devil's deal resurrects me "good as new." Is my toe as good as new? Did the devil impart healing powers upon the pig?

Also, how much have I aged, upon returning?

Bob Keane
Member #7,342
June 2006

The pig eats you, digests you and expels the waste within 24 hours. So you only age 24 hours while you are gone. If you come back, "good as new" there is no need to worry about being eaten.

By reading this sig, I, the reader, agree to render my soul to Bob Keane. I, the reader, understand this is a legally binding contract and freely render my soul.
If we get apple juice from squeezing apples, and we get prunes from drying out plums, where does prune juice come from?
Hi Randall Monroe.

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
avatar

Well, "no need to worry", so long as you don't mind the pig persistently returning at 8:12pm to devour you over and over and over again, from now until the rest of eternity (this was the rationale behind the Faustian bargain, so the pig could get an infinite supply of food). You'd never get anything done!

Gideon Weems
Member #3,925
October 2003

... not if the pig moves more than 100 miles in a straight line within the 24-hour digestion period. We may have found a weakness yet, men. Do not lose hope.

Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
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...Gideon may just be onto something here...

Edgar Reynaldo
Member #8,592
May 2007
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Bruce Pascoe
Member #15,931
April 2015
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And just HOW do you propose we eat an entire 50-foot, Godzillion-ton pig before it eats us (which, might I remind you only takes two seconds)?

...actually you might be onto something here. From what intel I've gathered, the pig is vulnerable to fire. Any part of the pig exposed to an open flame is converted into bacon. So all we have to do is convert the whole pig into bacon, and we're set!

Of course, this is assuming it doesn't have regeneration abilities a la Majin Buu. If so we're screwed.

Yodhe23
Member #8,726
June 2007

Swift application of critical thinking would determine that it is a non-sensical proposition, therefore I would determine I must obviously be dreaming (were the sense data to indicate I perceived the circumstance as seemingly real) and not be too overly concerned, even if it did resemble a nightmare scenario.

www.justanotherturn.com

Chris Katko
Member #1,881
January 2002
avatar

I would convince the pig I'm a female pig, or an even bigger pig.

-----sig:
“Programs should be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute.” - Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs



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