You're about to get eaten by a pig.
Bruce Pascoe

For reference:

• The pig is 50 feet tall.

• It weighs 1 Godzillaton (i.e. 1 Godzillion tons)

• It eats everything in 2 seconds.

• Its "circle of eatiness" is 200 miles in diameter, i.e. It eats everything in a hundred-mile radius. Note: It doesn't eat itself.

Oh and by the way the pig looks like this (note: NOT TO SCALE):
{"name":"687474703a2f2f692e696d6775722e636f6d2f763563514874562e6a7067","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/6\/2\/62a331b0e02880bd5b1fc8a3df52095b.jpg","w":1023,"h":682,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/6\/2\/62a331b0e02880bd5b1fc8a3df52095b"}

Now, suppose I were to say to you right now: There's a pig behind you. Which is to say, you have two seconds before you, er, "mysteriously disappear". What do you do, hotshot? What do you do?

:pig_nose: *MUNCH*

Chris Katko

It eats everything in 2 seconds.

Everything it desires to eat, or everything that exists in the universe including itself?

If the latter, I would use my Allegro mind control to inform the pig that eating everything will also force the pig itself to cease to exist.

Additionally, if eating the universe has an order, I will attempt to order myself after the point at which the pig eats itself, stopping the reaction.

Bruce Pascoe

"Everything" in that context just meant that any given instance of the pig eating something (including everything within a 100 mile radius of the said something, per clause 4) takes two seconds, regardless of how much or little it actually ends up eating. So yes, the meaning was closer to "everything it desires to eat at the time".

Also note: The 100-mile eating radius is not circular but spherical. This fact may be exploitable in formulating an escape plan.

edit: Also, per Clause 4, it specifically avoids eating itself.

Gideon Weems

The first thing I do is leave my hotel room and enter the hallway, which is at the center of the building. This will buy me some time, as if the pig does not know of my existence, it cannot "desire to eat" me.

Bruce Pascoe

Hm, I'm not sure that works. Per Clause 4, it eats everything within a hundred-mile radius of whatever it chooses to eat (the so-called "circle of eatiness"). The pig doesn't have to know you exist to eat you--essentially, you're collateral damage.

Bob Keane

If its anything like the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, I would wrap my towel around my head.

Edgar Reynaldo
Bruce Pascoe said:

You're about to get eaten by a pig.

Phew! For a minute there I thought you were gonna say we're about to be eaten by a grue! At least the pig will probably swallow us whole, but a grue? It's too grue-some for words. :/

Bruce Pascoe

Do keep in mind though, that it's still possible for the grue to get eaten by the pig. In which case NOT getting eaten at all is still ultimately to your advantage.

Bruce Perry

OK, I'll bite.

For a pig weighing 1 Godzillaton to appear behind me, a large amount of potential energy representing the former gravitational separation between us must be converted to kinetic energy. I intend to use either a highly elastic collision or the gravitational slingshot effect to escape. 100 miles in 2 seconds should be achievable, especially if I run away a little too to boost my momentum.

Did I win?

Bruce Pascoe

So basically, your plan is to let the pig barrel into you to bounce you away to safety. Is that about the gist of it? That... might just be crazy enough to work! You win the prize!

...which is, um, a one-way ticket to the inside of the pig. *MUNCH*

NEXT!

bamccaig

I don't believe pigs to be highly elastic and instead imagine a collision would severely injure and potentially liquidify Bruce, making him even easier to consume.

The pig cannot weigh more than the planet or else you would be uncontrollably attracted towards it (and, of course, the trajectory of the planet and moon and other nearby bodies would be offset). Similarly, if the planet's gravity was more than that of the pig then I'm certain the planet's gravity would act against your attempts to slingshot.

The slingshot effect must also depend on the ability to accelerate within certain tolerances for the gravity between your vehicle and the body in question, which I think we can imagine requires moving significantly faster than any man can do under human power (or else the physics in this world might look more like the physics in Final Fantasy).

All Bruce could have achieved is speeding up the feasting by futilely accelerating adjacent, and ultimately closer, to the beast.

Urban Dictionary defines "godzillion" as "the largest number ever". We know this to be significantly heavier than any known mass in the universe (because by definition if we knew of it then a godzillion would have to be more), meaning that it would suck us all in to its gravitational core like a godzillion black holes in one.

There is no escape. Only peace in knowing that you'd never see it coming and you'd never exist after your demise to suffer the consequences.

Bruce Pascoe

Despite not coming up with a way to not get eaten by the pig, bambam nonetheless wins the thread.

Seriously, that post was awesome.

...but unfortunately for you, you're still going to get eaten by the pig.
🐽 *MUNCH*

NEXT! Keep 'em coming guys! Eventually we'll find a way to stop this pig, physics be damned.

Polybios

Assuming the pig has some form of digestion, there must also be huge amounts of ... digestive end products.

Bruce Pascoe

Oh, there's another wrinkle I failed to mention: Due to a deal with the devil that the pig in question made years ago, whatever it eats comes back good as new 24 hours later, reappearing wherever it was when it got eaten. This probably sounds like a good thing, but it means that once the pig knows about you, you'll keep coming back, and getting eaten again, forever.

Gideon Weems

Is the pig mobile?

Bruce Pascoe

The pig is indeed mobile, but extremely slow due to... mass issues.

Gideon Weems

I have a broken toe. The pig eats me, digests me, and the devil's deal resurrects me "good as new." Is my toe as good as new? Did the devil impart healing powers upon the pig?

Also, how much have I aged, upon returning?

Bob Keane

The pig eats you, digests you and expels the waste within 24 hours. So you only age 24 hours while you are gone. If you come back, "good as new" there is no need to worry about being eaten.

Bruce Pascoe

Well, "no need to worry", so long as you don't mind the pig persistently returning at 8:12pm to devour you over and over and over again, from now until the rest of eternity (this was the rationale behind the Faustian bargain, so the pig could get an infinite supply of food). You'd never get anything done!

Gideon Weems

... not if the pig moves more than 100 miles in a straight line within the 24-hour digestion period. We may have found a weakness yet, men. Do not lose hope.

Bruce Pascoe

...Gideon may just be onto something here...

Edgar Reynaldo

The smartest idea is to just eat the pig before he eats you. But I don't eat pork, so I'm screwed.

Bruce Pascoe

And just HOW do you propose we eat an entire 50-foot, Godzillion-ton pig before it eats us (which, might I remind you only takes two seconds)?

...actually you might be onto something here. From what intel I've gathered, the pig is vulnerable to fire. Any part of the pig exposed to an open flame is converted into bacon. So all we have to do is convert the whole pig into bacon, and we're set!

Of course, this is assuming it doesn't have regeneration abilities a la Majin Buu. If so we're screwed.

Yodhe23

Swift application of critical thinking would determine that it is a non-sensical proposition, therefore I would determine I must obviously be dreaming (were the sense data to indicate I perceived the circumstance as seemingly real) and not be too overly concerned, even if it did resemble a nightmare scenario.

Chris Katko

I would convince the pig I'm a female pig, or an even bigger pig.

Mark Oates

For a pig weighing 1 Godzillaton to appear behind me, a large amount of potential energy representing the former gravitational separation between us must be converted to kinetic energy. I intend to use either a highly elastic collision or the gravitational slingshot effect to escape.

^ This one is the best!

Hey! Perhaps instead of a elastic collision we could use that energy to create the flame!

Bruce Pascoe

Yodhe23 got eaten by the pig... Apparently convincing yourself it isn't real doesn't save you from being devoured by it. Who knew.

bamccaig

I would convince the pig I'm a female pig, or an even bigger pig.

You wouldn't be able to shit right for an eternity!

Mark Oates

The diameter would be 1 Gapezillaton.

Gideon Weems

How fast does the pig move?

Bruce Pascoe

It's something of a lumbering beast due to its size, but this is relative of course--it takes LARGE STEPS!

Mark Oates

Is it able to eat new things while taking steps? As in, if one were properly positioned could you sneak inside its step_distance and avoid ingestion?

Bruce Pascoe

In theory that would be possible, yes. But we still need a plan to kill the pig so we can save the world from its eatiness. Do you plan to bring an army of Pyros to fry it into bacon?

Gideon Weems
1. A pig of normal size can swim no farther than 10 miles before exhausting itself.

2. At 50 ft tall, Pigzilla is 17 times the size of a pig of normal size.

3. Pigzilla can therefore swim no farther than 10 * 17 = 170 miles before exhausting itself.

4. It follows that isolated land upon which Pigzilla does not currently stand, separated by more than 170 miles in every direction from land large enough to support Pigzilla, will forever be safe from Pigzilla's reign of terror.

Chris Katko

Wouldn't pigzilla collapse until its own weight?

There's also plenty of square-cube law going on.

Edgar Reynaldo

With a size of 50ft and a mass of one godzillion tons, the pigs density effectively makes it a singularity. For your isolated island theory to work you must be outside the event horizon of porkzilla and be traveling fast enough to orbit the pig to be safe.

Gideon Weems

If we're going with the Urban Dictionary definition of Godzillion, then we win by default. In being the "largest number ever," a Godzillion is more than are the smallest building blocks of matter in the entire universe. In trying to bring into existence a pig that is more than this number, the number of smallest building blocks of matter in the universe increases, thereby increasing the value of a Godzillion. In bringing the resulting Godzillion-ton pig into existence, the value of Godzillion goes up again, and the process repeats ad infinitum.

... Pigzilla will forever be too massive for our universe. We never even know he is there, and his simultaneous creation and destruction happen an infinite number of times, in every moment of every day, until our universe dies of unrelated causes.

Bruce Pascoe

So what you're basically suggesting here is that a Godzillion is essentially the other side of the coin of infinitesimals - instead of "the smallest possible number greater than zero", it's the largest possible number smaller than infinity? This seems... implausible.

I really don't think we can invoke the laws of physics to beat this thing. Hell, it probably violated the laws of physics so badly by simply existing that they no longer apply to it.

bamccaig

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Chris Katko

That GIF describes my thoughts about the aspect ratio of that GIF.

{"name":"7v926fY.gif","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/1\/9\/1904d8693f17a0940908408491297936.gif","w":512,"h":162,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/1\/9\/1904d8693f17a0940908408491297936"}

Bruce Pascoe

Hey, what if we launch the pig into the sun? I imagine one of two things would happen: 1. It would get fried into bacon, or 2. It would eat the sun and possibly get fried into bacon from the inside. Either way we win!

There's always the possibility it eats the sun and isn't affected at all though...

NiteHackr

I ask the officer to show a warrant.

Bruce Pascoe
Neil Roy said:

I ask the officer to show a warrant

How is this going to stop the pig?

Mark Oates
Neil Roy said:

I ask the officer to show a warrant.

EEeeeeeeehhhhh I see what you did there.

Gideon Weems

Bruce Pascoe

Okay. Well here's what's going to happen according to some random psychic I consulted: It will eventually be eaten by a cow. So that takes care of the pig, but now we have a bigger, eatier problem: the cow!

The cow in question is called "Kitty E. Cow", or "Kittycow" for short. It is 100 feet tall, weighs 2 GzT and like the pig before it, eats everything in a hundred-mile radius in two seconds. UNLIKE the pig however, it subsists primarily on cats (but will of course also eat people, trains, houses, pigs etc. in pursuit of its preferred food source). How do you propose we deal with this monstrosity?

Bruce Perry

This is very interesting.

NiteHackr

I just felt the thread needed a distraction...

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Bob Keane

What if we covered ourselves in poison before we got eaten?

Bruce Pascoe

That would probably work, although given the size of the pig you will need A LOT of poison to even faze it...

piccolo

The answer is easy. You must run towards the pig in order not to get eaten.this is because the pig eats using a radius and at the beginning of the radius is a point where the pig can not reach and therfore can not eat.this is why the pig can not eat itself.

Bruce Pascoe

Holy crap, piccolo figured out the secret! We can all go home now guys, we defeated the pig.

Chris Katko

I'd normally just press tilde to bring up the console.

Bruce Pascoe

Huh?

Edgar Reynaldo

So he can enter a cheat code in the developer console. Duh. Never played Neverwinter Nights before?

Bruce Pascoe

How is this relevant to the thread?

Edgar Reynaldo

Because this is clearly a video game ala Rampage style arcade action.

Bruce Pascoe

🐖 YOU THINK THIS ISN'T REAL LIFE?!

Uh oh, you pissed off the pig...

🐷 YOU THINK THIS IS ALL A GAME AND YOU WON'T ACTUALLY GET EATEN BY AN EATY PIG IF YOU JUST PRETEND IT ISN'T REAL?! A 50-FOOT TALL, 1 GODZILLATON PIG THAT'S SO FAT IT PUTS HIPPOS TO SHAME?!

Shouldn't have done that...

WELL TOUGH LUCK FOR YOU BUDDY, BECAUSE 🐽 *MUNCH*

Edgar Reynaldo

No need to shout.

And besides, I used a thermonuclear bomb on the pig. Pork roast anyone? I won't be having any. I'm not an eaty pig like some people. :/

Mark Oates

Whut? How'd you do those icons, Bruce?

Bruce Pascoe

I posted it from my iPhone and used the emoji keyboard. I guess desktop OSes support them too?

bamccaig

My guess? Unicode HTML character references (or just character literals). 🚵

Mark Oates

Can people see them on PCs, too?

This is what I see:

{"name":"610119","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/a\/0\/a0b8fae2d4ed9038ede9a338fca650f8.png","w":844,"h":266,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/a\/0\/a0b8fae2d4ed9038ede9a338fca650f8"}

{"name":"610120","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/f\/c\/fc8f447a7fc163dc301004f504971bd5.png","w":1285,"h":596,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/f\/c\/fc8f447a7fc163dc301004f504971bd5"}

Bruce Pascoe

In my experience Windows 8+ will render them, and I'm almost positive so will OS X. Not sure about Linux.

MiquelFire

Windows 7 doesn't display all of them.

Bruce Pascoe

thermonuclear bomb

Quote:

pig

Oh come on, there's no way this works. The pig would just eat the bomb and the explosion wouldn't even faze it. At best the pig might get some temporary heartburn, but it'd be otherwise unaffected.

Now if you used all the nuclear weapons on Earth on the pig, simultaneously... THAT might work. But honestly, who really wants to eat irradiated bacon?

Edgar Reynaldo

You never said that the pig actually digests anything.

I'm imagining Jonah and the whale. He could never generate enough stomach acid to digest all of us. He's only 50 feet tall after all.

Chris Katko

Unicode. Proof that all international organizations eventually whore themselves out.

Bruce Pascoe

Eh. What else were we going to use the 4bn+ codepoints for? I kind of like that Unicode standardized emojis, having a standard set of iconography killed off all the "free smileys!!!" crapware.

Gideon Weems

I like piccolo's answer, but the point he describes would be inside the pig... In other words, the only way to not get eaten is to get eaten. Or at least under Pigzilla's skin.

piccolo

Not really. The pig is 50 feet tall

AMCerasoli

I take gasoline set myself on fire, once the pig eats me, its mouth is goint to be all bacon (can't eat anything else), and when I'm out after 24 hours I'm all new...

Bruce Pascoe

That... would probably work actually, but it sounds REALLY painful. Are you sure you want to go through with that?

Chris Katko

What if covering yourself in nasty gas flavor would be enough to stop the pig from wanting to eat you? You'd feel pretty silly if you went through with the second part if the first part would be sufficient.

Also, is the pig sentient? Is there a means of reasoning with the pig?

Bruce Pascoe

The pig is sentient, but also incredibly stupid. Good luck reasoning with it!

Bruce Perry

The pig eats everything around you for miles, so you just have to stand next to the fire

Bruce Pascoe

So it seems we're reaching a consensus here: The way to beat the pig is to trick it into eating a bunch of fire so that it gets converted into bacon posthaste. So a good idea might be to find a wildfire burning somewhere (let's not go starting one, okay? ) and lure the pig towards it so it devours everything in that area, including the fire.

In this way we should be able to convert the entire pig into bacon in one fell swoop, which serves the dual purpose of getting rid of the pig and also feeding everyone on earth from now until the end of eternity. What do you say guys, are you in?

Chris Katko

The pig is sentient but incredibly stupid. The question then is, what kind of stupid?

- Feeble and likely to commit a blunder.
- Quick to act but and not always in its best interest?
- Stupid in the blanket sense that it would be impossible to communicate effetively with it.

I guess what needs to be established is... is this a gigantic super pig with a normal pig brain? Or some kind of equally impressive brain?

Bruce Pascoe

Basically it's really dim-witted and only just barely self-aware: It gets pissed off because there's apparently another pig running around eating all the stuff it wanted to eat! (this "other pig" being itself, in case that wasn't obvious ) The pig also thinks hippos are competition for it because they're fat, despite being, you know, herbivores.

Bob Keane

In light of the pig's low intelligence, I resubmit my first suggestion of wrapping your towel around your head. Or put a mirror in front of an active volcano. The pig will see the "other pig", attack and fall in.

Chris Katko

How about using a mirror reflecting up so that it can't see you?

Is a pig's smell sufficient enough to desire consuming the planet?

Does it have heat vision and I should cover myself in mud?

Bruce Pascoe

Hiding doesn't really solve anything though; unless you hide under the mirror for the rest of eternity, you're eventually going to get eaten.

For what it's worth I don't really think the pig has heat vision though. It's not some type of super pig! (Just a super fat and eaty pig)

Gideon Weems

... Either way, this thread stands a better chance of reaching a conclusion than other, more popular threads of late.

What frequency is Pigzilla able to use his eating power? It must be like a wizard in D&D, with a certain number of spell casts per day...

Mark Oates

Maybe there's a sweet spot if we time it right with the step distance.

Bruce Pascoe

The pig never gets full. Ever. It can just keep eating and eating and eating, and all the food, people, buildings, etc. will just disappear. Well, for 24 hours anyway... actually now that I think of it that's probably why it never gets full.

Maybe if we feed it an entire railyard full of trains like the one from this movie it would be enough to satiate it:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0477080/

Hey, I have an idea! Since it's so huge, maybe if we get everyone around to go for a massive group piggyback ride, we can't get eaten since we'd be riding on the pig! And the best part is that you can get to any place on the planet quickly since the pig takes enormous steps... of course the problem here is that once you dismount, you're vulnerable to getting eaten again...

edit: Uh, guys, we have a problem:
{"name":"rmV3x6h.jpg","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/d\/4\/d4c58e2e8a84b8575b3e0915dd55f0e3.jpg","w":1998,"h":1281,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/d\/4\/d4c58e2e8a84b8575b3e0915dd55f0e3"}

The pig sprouted fucking wings

Bruce Perry

That's even better! Who wants to ride a land animal?

bamccaig

This does not scale. Clearly this pig is magic and therefore an angel from Heaven. Repent, heathens! I'm just going to vow my loyalty to the Lord Jesus Christ and the pig will leave me alone.

Bruce Pascoe

Oh come on, clearly the pig is actually the god here you should be worshiping it. All you're doing is insulting it and therefore making it more likely to eat you.

All hail our lord and savior* Pigzilla!

* The pig is not actually a savior in any real sense and is just as likely to eat you whether you worship it or not. Have fun being inside the pig

Chris Katko

If it's so big, it'd probably have trouble finding me and I'd just sneak up next to its foot.

Bruce Perry
Bruce Pascoe

Won't that just cause the sword along with whoever is holding it to be absorbed into the pig's fat rolls?

Also: Who is Boobuigi?

Bruce Perry

Go into your allegro.cc settings and enable animated avatars. Then it'll make sense

Bruce Pascoe

Haha, that's awesome. I love the Mario & Luigi games!

Say, I wonder if Luigi can fight the pig?

edit: I have an idea! Since the pig doesn't like competition, how about if we clone the pig? Then the two pigs will eat each other and nobody else has to be devoured ever again.

MiquelFire

I think this may not work. One pig will be slightly faster and eat the other pig before the other pig can eat.

Either way, if the plan does work and they do somehow eat each other, whoever was eaten at the time is dead/gone for good. If they have a chance of coming back, so do the pigs themselves.

Mark Oates

If the pig eats itself does it come back to life?

Bruce Pascoe

...Possibly? I don't know if it's logistically possible for the pig to eat itself though, since as said in the OP it eats everything within a hundred-mile radius of its prey, specifically excluding itself. If it ate itself that would cause a paradox...

Gideon Weems

I found this on the other side of the planet. Who among you is brave enough to unsheathe it?

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Bruce Perry

Didn't it fall out?

Bruce Pascoe

I thought the pig ate it, actually.

Gideon Weems

Didn't it fall out?

Gravity (even its cartoon variant) is not the power that unsheathes this sword.

The pig did eat it, once, and found its flavor tasted familiar in a way he did not enjoy.

Bruce Perry

OK, so let's say it can withstand gravity. How did you manage to take the picture without falling off the planet? Did the flying pig help you?

Bruce Pascoe

The Off-Topic board seems to have gotten very political recently, it's kind of a put-off. Good thing we still have the pig thread as an escape! (I use the term "escape" very loosely, since, you know, eaty pig and all...)

So what is this weapon anyway, the Super Pig-Killing Sword?

bamccaig

What turns you off about threads that you don't have to read? Considering a month or so ago the entire forum was barely active I'd say this is an improvement. There's actually been motivation to check back not only one every week or so, but several times daily just to see what there is to provoke a response. You can always ignore them entirely. Surely you're not concerned about these threads drawing attention away from what was here before it, nothing. That's not to say that every active thread is equally provocative, but again it's easy to ignore the ones that each individual doesn't like. So what's "putting you off" about off-topic discussions? Are you uncomfortable discussing your political beliefs? Would you like to talk about it?

Bruce Pascoe

HEY HEY, let's not bring politics into the pig thread, they have no place here. (and I was mostly kidding anyway, as you've seen I've posted in nearly every single one)

Anyway bam, unless you have something to contribute re: how to defeat the pig, go away.

bamccaig

I defeated the pig ages ago with acceptance of defeat. The game is rigged and the house always wins.

Bruce Pascoe

By which bambam means he got eaten by the pig and doesn't want to admit it. Everyone knows the pig would never admit defeat willingly!

bamccaig

Why wouldn't I admit getting eaten by the pig? I get respawned a day later. I don't hate the death part. If I'm being honest I hate respawn.

The very first thing that I replied is that I get eaten by the pig and I'm content with that.

Nothing to be ashamed of. Only things to hate the game for (emphasis on the undefined physics which makes the solution undefined by definition). This thread is more of a waste of time than debating Christianity.

Bruce Pascoe

You really need to lighten up and have some fun once in a while. It's a silly thread about getting eaten by a giant pig. It's not meant to be treated as Serious Business(tm). If you don't like it, go back to the God thread and bang your head against a wall some more.

Yodhe23

What I haven't told you, as I didn't want you to blow your little minds is that I am infact Galacticus, and when the pig tried to eat me, not only would I turn around and eat the pig, I would eat the whole planet as well, and probably the entire solar system for good measure.

Bruce Pascoe

Yummy!

Yodhe23

Indeed the pig was yummy, although I am getting a little wind off the gas giant.

Bruce Perry

Oh, phew. The pig just found a way to override the 24-hour resurrect for a special feast of rare bambam. The religious thread should fizzle away now.

Bruce Pascoe

Yay!

So what about that sword, is that supposed to kill the pig or does it serve some other purpose...

Gideon Weems

The sword remains dormant until somebody claims it.

Bruce Pascoe

Okay, but will it kill the pig? That's the important part.

Bruce Perry

Won't it replace one huge pig with two big ones?