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Credits go to AMCerasoli, Arthur Kalliokoski, Dizzy Egg, Gideon Weems, gnolam, james_lohr, jmasterx, Karadoc ~~, Neil Walker, NiteHackr, OICW, SiegeLord, Sirocco, and Trent Gamblin for helping out!
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Programmer jokes
Bruce Perry
Member #270
April 2000

Courtesy of a colleague:

A mother said to her programmer son, "While you're out, buy some bread."

Her son never came home.

Who else knows some fun programmer jokes?

--
Bruce "entheh" Perry [ Web site | DUMB | Set Up Us The Bomb !!! | Balls ]
Programming should be fun. That's why I hate C and C++.
The brxybrytl has you.

Gideon Weems
Member #3,925
October 2003

:D I laughed.

A little boy from a poor family dies and goes to heaven--without having ever accomplished his dream of playing a video game. He approaches God about his wish, and God replies:

"There are no video games in heaven, but if a holy and pious programmer dies, I'll see what I can do."

A week passes, and sure enough, a holy and pious programmer dies and comes to heaven. He is more than happy to fulfill the little boy's dream and immediately begins work. After a few days, however, the programmer approaches God about the game's artwork. God replies:

"There are no bitmaps in heaven, but if a holy and pious pixel artist dies, I'll see what I can do."

A month goes by, and sure enough, a holy and pious pixel artist dies. He immediately joins the team. Months later, the programmer and pixel artist approach God about the game's music. God replies:

"There are no MOD files in heaven, but if a holy and pious tracker dies, I'll see what I can do."

This time, a whole year passes--but sure enough, a holy and pious tracker finally dies and joins the team. The three work together day and night and end up with the perfect game--something truly worthy of being made in heaven. They are so thrilled with their work, in fact, that they would like to give everyone in heaven the chance to play their masterpiece. God hears out their request and replies:

"Look... It took a week to get a programmer, a month to get an artist, and a whole year to get a tracker. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to get a PUBLISHER up here??"

gnolam
Member #2,030
March 2002
avatar

A byte walks into a bar. The bartender looks at it for a while and asks: "What's wrong?"
"Parity error."
"Ah, I thought you looked a bit off."

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MiquelFire
Member #3,110
January 2003
avatar

I don't get the bread joke... ???

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Specter Phoenix
Member #1,425
July 2001
avatar

Quote:

I don't get the bread joke... ???

It's okay, it is the subtle jokes that slip by the easiest :).

Google is our friend (sometimes):
http://www.devtopics.com/best-programming-jokes/
http://www.1stwebdesigner.com/inspiration/programming-jokes-comics-videos/
GOOGLE IMAGE
http://www.workjoke.com/programmers-jokes.html

*Not checked them all, just googled and copy/pasted.

"Can't a man even talk to himself without being interrupted?" -Krull(1983)
"Through vengence I was born. Through war I was trained. Through love I was found. Through death I was released. Through release I was given a purpose." -- Specter Phoenix
"Programming == AWESOME the rest is just tools to accomplish it."
END OF LINE

Bruce Perry
Member #270
April 2000

Does this help?

bool isOut=true;
int bread=0;
while (isOut) {
  bread++;
}

--
Bruce "entheh" Perry [ Web site | DUMB | Set Up Us The Bomb !!! | Balls ]
Programming should be fun. That's why I hate C and C++.
The brxybrytl has you.

Specter Phoenix
Member #1,425
July 2001
avatar

Turning the joke into code is supposed to help the understanding ??? ? The joke does kind of make no sense as they say programmers never leave their computer/basement so the whole idea of the programmer going out and never coming home sounds even odder to me.

"Can't a man even talk to himself without being interrupted?" -Krull(1983)
"Through vengence I was born. Through war I was trained. Through love I was found. Through death I was released. Through release I was given a purpose." -- Specter Phoenix
"Programming == AWESOME the rest is just tools to accomplish it."
END OF LINE

AMCerasoli
Member #11,955
May 2010
avatar

Specter... The kid interpreted the message as if he was a computer...

while you're out, buy some bread.

There is no break statement like:

while you're out, buy one bread and then come back.

That's is what make us different from computers but a the same time sometimes worst than computers. Our brain has an auto-fill system built-in. But the kid was so used to be programming all day and night that became a compiler...

Bruce Perry
Member #270
April 2000

The funniest bit in the thread is not the jokes, but the fact that Specter trolled Miquelfire for not understanding the joke, when Specter didn't understand it either. ;D

--
Bruce "entheh" Perry [ Web site | DUMB | Set Up Us The Bomb !!! | Balls ]
Programming should be fun. That's why I hate C and C++.
The brxybrytl has you.

Trent Gamblin
Member #261
April 2000
avatar

A wife asks her husband, a computer programmer; “Could you please go to the store for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had eggs.”

van_houtte
Member #11,605
January 2010
avatar

Moral of BP's joke: Too much programming made the programmer stupid at life

Same goes for Trent's and probably many other ones

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Bruce Perry
Member #270
April 2000

Surely he should have bought seven cartons of milk? Unless of course he's ever written an ambiguous 'else' clause, in which case he would have bought the eggs. :D

--
Bruce "entheh" Perry [ Web site | DUMB | Set Up Us The Bomb !!! | Balls ]
Programming should be fun. That's why I hate C and C++.
The brxybrytl has you.

Arthur Kalliokoski
Second in Command
February 2005
avatar

What happened in the original joke when the guy ran out of money? And where would he put it all?

I suppose I'll get flamed for the oldest of all.

Q: Why was the programmer late for work?
A: When he took his morning shower, he read the instructions on the shampoo, "Lather, rinse, repeat".

“Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty. This is known as "bad luck.”

― Robert A. Heinlein

Specter Phoenix
Member #1,425
July 2001
avatar

The funniest bit in the thread is not the jokes, but the fact that Specter trolled Miquelfire for not understanding the joke, when Specter didn't understand it either. ;D

Depends on how you define understanding it. As I pointed out the joke made little sense to me due to what my interpretation of what a programmer was stereotypically thought of which changed the joke to make if odd to me rather than funny. Even after having it explained for the joke it was meant to be it still has no humor to it for me. The others were funny while that just falls a bit short with me.

[REVISION]

A mother said to her programmer son, "While you're out, buy some bread."Her son never came home.

No part of that joke signals you to think of the son as a compiler, instead it makes you think of the programmer stereotype and then it blows the joke completely apart as the stereotype is that we never leave our houses due to always coding.

"Can't a man even talk to himself without being interrupted?" -Krull(1983)
"Through vengence I was born. Through war I was trained. Through love I was found. Through death I was released. Through release I was given a purpose." -- Specter Phoenix
"Programming == AWESOME the rest is just tools to accomplish it."
END OF LINE

SiegeLord
Member #7,827
October 2006
avatar

Gosh darn it, Specter Phoenix, stop making terrible excuses about why you didn't get an obvious joke.

Depends on how you define understanding it.

The usual way. The way you didn't.

Quote:

No part of that joke signals you

It's not the joke, it's you. Frankly, this is a reason why you shouldn't be a programmer, you don't even get programmer jokes!

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increases knowledge increases sorrow."-Ecclesiastes 1:18
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Specter Phoenix
Member #1,425
July 2001
avatar

SiegeLord said:

Frankly, this is a reason why you shouldn't be a programmer, you don't even get programmer jokes!

You're assuming I get regular jokes? Forgot about the course in CS degrees where if you fail to get programmer jokes you can't be a programmer.

"Can't a man even talk to himself without being interrupted?" -Krull(1983)
"Through vengence I was born. Through war I was trained. Through love I was found. Through death I was released. Through release I was given a purpose." -- Specter Phoenix
"Programming == AWESOME the rest is just tools to accomplish it."
END OF LINE

23yrold3yrold
Member #1,134
March 2001
avatar

<--- feels proud he understood the bread joke

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Dizzy Egg
Member #10,824
March 2009
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I only chuckled at the bread joke because I got it; I don't think any other interpretation would have been funny..?

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OICW
Member #4,069
November 2003
avatar

The publisher one reminded me of this:

A programmer dies and is sent to hell. A week later Satan meets God and ask him, if they could take the programmer to the heaven. God asks why. Satan replies: "on the first day he slew all the demons with a chainsaw and since then he's been looking for an exit to the next level."

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jmasterx
Member #11,410
October 2009

Yo mama's so fat, the recursive function used to calculate her weight caused a stack overflow >:(

Dizzy Egg
Member #10,824
March 2009
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Most Java programmers live in Atlantis, because it's below C level.

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NiteHackr
Member #2,229
April 2002
avatar

A mother said to her programmer son, "While you're out, buy some bread."Her son never came home.

;D... it took me a few seconds to figure that one out.

If you still don't get it, think of it as programming code:

while(you_re_out) {
   buy_some_bread();
}

Get it now? ;)

Edit: Oops, I replied to it before I read the other replies, apparently showing code doesn't help. Maybe if I show an example using BASIC? :P

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Sirocco
Member #88
April 2000
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{"name":"AT04-04-01.gif","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/d\/7\/d7da6323258a3d603b4efc5580751111.gif","w":450,"h":615,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/d\/7\/d7da6323258a3d603b4efc5580751111"}AT04-04-01.gif

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Trent Gamblin
Member #261
April 2000
avatar

Matthew Leverton.

hahaha I'm banned aren't I?

NiteHackr
Member #2,229
April 2002
avatar

LMAO, love all the jokes. That Board Chow one had me laughing out loud, done that a few time, now I know what to call it (didn't eat it, but definitely shook a meal out I think! ;D) ;D

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