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I Guess My Parachute Opened?
Mark Oates
Member #1,146
March 2001
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Fo real. :P

Tell girls you're gay. They'll be all over you.

Tell me about it. I have to go out of my way to avoid all the women who want me.

Seeeee!? Case and point! :o

Neil Walker
Member #210
April 2000
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jmasterx said:

Why isn't there an algorithm for getting women

Yes there is, this: http://www.allegro.cc/forums/thread/607431/918886#target

They've been throwing themselves at me ever since.

Neil.
MAME Cabinet Blog / AXL LIBRARY (a games framework) / AXL Documentation and Tutorial

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Thomas Fjellstrom
Member #476
June 2000
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They've been throwing themselves at me ever since.

You mean trying to dodge you as you mow them down.

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Arthur Kalliokoski
Second in Command
February 2005
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I'm sure there is, but in my experience it's inversely correlated with how much you want to get women.

It's simply the fact that you have no blood left in your brain due to the gallant reflex.

The only way Trump is going to be involved in a landslide is if the land surrounding the White House collapses into the Earth's core. -- bamccaig

Johan Halmén
Member #1,550
September 2001

I guess it was another "reflex" that made the blood escape the brain.

<edit />

Oh, the other reflex is called gallant.

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van_houtte
Member #11,605
January 2010
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You mean trying to dodge you as you mow them down.

Speak for yourself :P

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bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
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UPDATE

I lied. This is unrelated, but on-topic. :-X So I'm sitting at home tonight, minding my own business, drinking beer and watch the season finale of House. I hear a knock on my apartment door, and since nobody buzzed, it has to be somebody either living in the building or already buzzed in. I'm assuming it's my brother because it always is. I peek briefly through the peep hole and think I see a blonde girl. Strange, but I assume somebody going door-to-door to sell stuff. Instead, it's a young woman asking something about "smokes". I assume she's high or something and asking for one so I politely say that I don't have any (it was either that or she asked me if I do smoke and I politely said no, but it's really all the same). Blah blah, I was too drunk to recall the specifics, but she invites me to have a beer with her in her apartment. :-X In her next breath she shows me her hand and says she's married, but that she's separated. I'm a little uneasy, but both don't want to be rude (she seemed genuinely going out on a limb; albeit, I'm drunk) and I'm thinking it would be a good opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and meet somebody new. I expressed hesitation before saying, "Errm, OK, fine, I'll come get to know you". She puts out her hand to shake hands and I do (though I'm not very good at shaking hands so it comes across somewhat awkward). She begins to walk away, but I stop her with, "let me grab my keys."

She said she lives on the first floor, but as we get to the elevator she presses "up" (and I don't live below the first floor). Immediately alarm bells are ringing and I'm mentally trying to prepare for the possibility of a blitz attack. :P When we enter the elevator she presses 1 though (honestly, I was too drunk and/or too focused to notice until we were moving anyway). We arrive on the ground floor, she exits the elevator and instructs me to follow her right out of the elevator. I do. Mid-way she says this is my [mother][1], referring to an older woman walking the opposite way. I nervously say hi a good 15 or 20 feet away, wary of how loud it might sound to the neighbors since the doors don't really keep the hallway noise out. As we pass she puts out her hand to shake hands. Again, with the awkward hand shake. We arrive at the last apartment on the right (I think; it might have been second last ish).

I follow her in and immediately she goes to the fridge and asks me what I'd like. "Beer, if you got it," I rhetorically say, since she already offered to give me beer. >:( She says her mother must have already drank it all and offers me a few alternatives; vodka,....they all seemed vodka-based. Maybe Smirnoff-ice or something; I don't recall anymore. I decline, since I have no intentions of getting too drunk to think with her, let alone puking due to mixing drinks since I've already had a good 4 or 5 beer (in about 4 hours). She says "Funniest Home Videos" is on and I nervously affirm and follow her to the couch, noticing children's toys scattered around the walls of the apartment (the alarm bells were wheezing at his point). I think the first thing she said to me after that was, "I'm bipolar." I'm sure there was some filler around it, but that's all I can remember. Which was somewhat shocking, but didn't really bother me overly. Nor did it surprise me; she was acting strangely for a female; introducing herself so boldly, etc. Probably the next thing she asks me is for a phone number. I literally just met this girl about 10 minutes before and she is acting kind of strange (and she already knows I live in the same building as her) so I'm hesitant to give her my phone number. I ask her why she wants my number (again because we live in the same building and if she wanted to talk she could just come knock on my door). She says in case she needs support, so I ask her what she would need support for (again, I just met her; I'm thinking in this approximate order: mental disorder, drugs, alcohol, ...). She says asthma, which makes no sense because the last time I checked asthma sufferers don't need "support". She said something else, which I don't honestly recall, but I try to politely explain to her that it's a little bit too fast (AKA soon) for that. :-/

Some time passes and we make awkward conversation. She asked me something about whether or not I'm Catholic, to which I honestly reply, "No, I'm an atheist." She asks me what that means and I tell her that I don't believe in any God. She seems to take that as a bit of a surprise, but it doesn't seem to bother her any. I ask her what she is and she says Catholic. I let out an obvious laugh at the irony awkwardness. Out of nowhere she says something about going to see a psychic so my natural reaction is to express how much of a scam they are. She reacts like, "Oh really?" like a completely mindless sheep waiting for me to explain it to her. So I express my opinion. I say they're just scam artists that know how to say the things that we can all relate to in a vague enough way to seem genuine, but without being too specific. She seems completely awestruck. Either she was playing dumb or she really thought I was some kind of genius (I'm sure she'll keep going, mind you; assuming the story is real). She soon asks me what do I believe in, and I say that in a religious sense, "nothing." I explain that it's all superstition; at least, in my opinion (trying to respect her beliefs).

Some more time passes and some more awkward conversation ensues. She asks if I like the casino, so I explain my view on that: it's basically the same as other superstitions; gamblers always believe the next round is a winner, but mathematically they're almost certainly guaranteed to lose[2]. She goes to get me a picture of her two year old daughter, to which I awkwardly nod along to. As I pass her back the photograph she asks me if it looks like her, which raises some alarms because I can't imagine a mother asking a strange man if her own daughter looks like her. I take a second look at the child just in case on the off chance I happen to recognize her from some kind of amber alert or something (since I can't remember any amber alerts I wasn't very hopeful anyway). :-X I don't so I just pass the picture back rather uneasy... She then goes to get me a picture of her "brother" who "served in Afghanistan." At this point I'm questioning and analyzing everything she says by nature. I ask her where he is now, more so to test her response than out of actual curiosity or conversation making. Her response seems genuine, but it's not like I would really know anyway. I'm wondering where her daughter is if not here[3]. She gets back up to put the picture of her "brother" back in the kitchen, opens the fridge[4] and comes back with a bottle of beer, explaining that she hadn't noticed it before. I'm wary, but she opens it in front of me so I shrug it off and accept it.

She lights up a cigarette to ease her own nerves and after it's lit asks if it bothers me. I grew up around smokers so a few minutes won't bother me any so I reassure her that I'm fine. She opens the patio door to help the smoke dissipate. I give her a friendly lecture on how smoking is bad for her and she should quit. She asks me if I do drugs and I reply no. She expresses shock, saying that I look like somebody that does (in a way that implies a serious drug user). I've never even witnessed somebody smoking a joint so I find this rather amusing and question her observation. She can't explain why and just reasserts that I look like somebody that would. I attribute it either to my baggy clothes or her state of mind. Out of curiosity and caution I question if she does drugs. She insists not, which just evaluates to another questionable response since she is acting rather "out of it", though she had already admitted to drinking ~6 vodka+orange juice glasses at this point so it's fair to assume that she is at least as intoxicated as me (and perhaps more so). She asks me if I work and if so what do I do. I tell her where I work (not really much a concern because nobody recognizes where I work) and explain that I'm a software developer, to which she replies that I must make a lot of money. :-X This rings the gold digger alarm, and I honestly explain that I probably don't make as much as I could (in a naive attempt to make her lose interest in my money). >:(

Sometime during this awkward meet the phone rings. She checks the caller id and requests that I be quiet. :P I know she's married, but allegedly separated, so naturally I assume this is her husband. I sit there awkwardly while she chats him up friendly like, which raises further alarms, considering they're supposed to be getting separated and most separations are ugly. After she gets off the phone she tells me it's him (confirming my suspicions), but reassures me that she has his truck so he won't stop by and so I shouldn't worry. Since she opened the patio for the smoke already and we're on the first floor I was already prepared for somebody to jump through the patio just in case (i.e., the whole thing seemed fishy so I considered the possibility of a setup from the moment I stepped out my door) so I wasn't really concerned anyway. If anything I was imagining my bottle of beer as a makeshift mallet and then shiv. :P Shortly after that she says that she was just with him for his money (not selling herself to me very effectively...).

Queue more awkward conversation and a small amount of "Funniest Home Videos" (I barely watched at all). Some time during the conversation I asked where her mother was, more so to gauge whether or not she was coming back (hoping in part that her mother was completely sane/normal and could explain away her daughter's behavior to ease my wariness). She said doing laundry, which is just down the hall. I begin to get the sense that the mother takes care of the daughter (23 years old, according to an earlier statement), yet the apartment might be solely the daughter's. When she gave me a tour she said bedroom #1 was "her room" and bedroom #2 was the "spare" (i.e., not "my mother's bedroom"). Shortly afterward her mother returns. As we sit there awkwardly with the mother she offers to "walk me out" any time I want. I didn't really catch her name (no clue if she even told me her name; I don't recall ever telling her my name). Her mother is calling her Michelle though, if I heard her correctly. The whole time I've been kind of thinking this chick is totally gonna fuck me. Some more time passes, with very little conversation now that her mother has joined us. I finish my beer and she asks if she'd like me to have her walk me out. I take my time responding trying to be polite, but ultimately accept her offer since I'm more than a little off-put at this point. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't leave me at the door, but follows me down the hallway. I had been somewhat expecting this so I was considering the possibility of giving her another chance in my own apartment where we would actually be alone and could talk. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions too quickly and should give her another chance, you know? I was hoping all the scary would disappear with time. She didn't really give me a chance. Not half way to the elevator she tells me, "you know you're getting laid, right?"

On the one hand, whoohoo! She wasn't bad looking at all. Pretty cute, really. On the other hand, she's married[, allegedly separated], has at least one child, admitted to using her husband just for his money, is apparently bipolar (mentally unstable), probably uses drugs, probably has a gambling problem[5], and we met under very strange circumstances. On top of that, we live in the same building and she knows where I live[6]. It isn't like I'd easily get away with a one night stand. She seems far too desperate for that. In any case, I tell her, "Sorry, but no." She turns to me as if to put a move on, but at this point I'm in defense mode and put my arms out to stop her. I don't really feel comfortable putting my hands on a woman to "restrain" her (read: hold her back), but I digress. She gets the message that it isn't going to happen, though it isn't clear if her intentions were pure or malicious, asserts that "you suck", and begins to walk back to her (and her mother's?) apartment. As I step into the elevator, I lean back out to again say "sorry".

I'm not really sure how to evaluate how I handled it. Nor am I sure that I gave it justice attempting to write about it over the past hour. All I know is that it didn't feel right to me and the potential risks just didn't seem worth sex to me. :-/ In any case, this was a rather odd night...

(Keep in mind that I'm drunk so the exact order of things might differ from my retelling and I may have forgotten about some details in the time it took me to reflect and write about it...)

References

  1. Might have been step mother or something else mother for all I remember.
  2. She seemed to let the topic drop for the time, but a while later I recall her mentioning that she "usually wins when she goes to the casino." :(
  3. She gave me a tour of the apartment earlier (fuck if I can remember where in the timeline), which by comparison to the ones I've seen in the building is actually quite nice; in any case, I saw that there was no crib or anywhere for a child to really sleep... I'm assuming the child was taken away from her, either due to substance abuse or mental disorder.
  4. Don't ask me why; she already had a full glass of vodka/orange juice on the coffee table.
  5. After "Funniest Home Videos" ended "According To Jim" came on and the episode involved a casino and in addition to the earlier implications, her mother said something to imply that the episode would be tempting for her.
  6. Though when she asked for my phone number earlier she said she couldn't remember, which could only have been 20 minutes later, tops...
Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
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blargmob
Member #8,356
February 2007
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Jesus-balls-Christ. If anyone actually reads that post in its entirety, I salute you.

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Mark Oates
Member #1,146
March 2001
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Sounds like you had a run-in with a horny chick, where the risks could have potentially outweighed the benefits (or not, but not worth the risk). You played it right, dawg.

I bet though she may be "separated", she still bangs her ex cause she's a freak.

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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I didn't read that holy wall of text he wrote, but I did send it through my secret paraphrasing program I wrote a while ago, and it goes like this:

In a stupor caused by a lonely evening filled with far too many drinks, bambam dreams that a married woman offered herself freely to him but he did the honorable thing and refused.

Neil Black
Member #7,867
October 2006
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I'm pretty sure you made the right choice. A woman that throws herself at strangers like that is a high risk for diseases.

LennyLen
Member #5,313
December 2004
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A woman that throws herself at strangers like that is a high risk for diseases.

How exactly did she throw herself at him?

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
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Strange married woman said:

You know you're getting laid right?

If that's not throwing yourself at someone, I don't know what is.

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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So there is one thing that is still left unclear. Which one is the girl at the sub shop: the daughter or the mother? ??? ;D

I like that bambam didn't even bother to ask her name. A couple rules that are applicable:

  1. Ask for the girl's name.

  2. Remember it.

LennyLen
Member #5,313
December 2004
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Oops, I forgot about that part of the thread. I was thinking of the girl in the first post.

Vanneto
Member #8,643
May 2007

Bams post is filled with unfounded fear ("blitz attack") and really stupid decision making.

Remember: "Every hole is a goal, if there is grass, play ball".

In capitalist America bank robs you.

Mark Oates
Member #1,146
March 2001
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I like that bambam didn't even bother to ask her name.

Awe! But those are the most exciting kind. Shortly after you blow your wad, you think "Oh shit, we never told each other our names! :o" And the girl's like "thx hawt guy ;):-*;)." You put your clothes on and head back down to the party. 8-)

van_houtte
Member #11,605
January 2010
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this.thread=epic

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Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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Awe! But those are the most exciting kind.

You forget that bambam is looking for somebody he will marry after a couple of dates.

Neil Walker
Member #210
April 2000
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Well, if she's bipolar good job you didn't do much else as when she got back to normal she'd probably have you for rape and/or her ex would probably still be quite jealous and be round with a baseball bat.

Neil.
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Mark Oates
Member #1,146
March 2001
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she'd probably have you for rape

Eh, that sounds very unlikely in this circumstance. I'd put that thought in the "paranoid" category.

Quote:

her ex would probably still be quite jealous and be round with a baseball bat

That I would put under "funny". :P

BAF
Member #2,981
December 2002
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Vanneto said:

Bams post is filled with unfounded fear ("blitz attack") and really stupid decision making.

It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you. :o

piccolo
Member #3,163
January 2003
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My 2 cence.

I can tell she is young late teens early 20s.
The husband is an older man.
Her and the husband have seen you before and have talked about you.

She just had a argument about the husband cheating.
or had an argument about a week ago spit-up and the husband hagging with the one he cheated on her with and she see them.

My thoughts is you are a fool you just doomed her too something like suicide or maybe suicide murder she dose have a little girl that is hopfuly in the fathers custody do to her Bi Polar.

wow
-------------------------------
i am who you are not am i

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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piccolo said:

I can tell she is young late teens early 20s.

She might even be 23. :-[



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