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I Guess My Parachute Opened?
OICW
Member #4,069
November 2003
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No doubts about that. Being all by yourself is the key. Any pretending is a road to perdition.

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"You can discuss it, you can dislike it, you can disagree with it, but that's all what you can do with it"

Evert
Member #794
November 2000
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axilmar said:

You will not master smalltalk until you forget about it.

Do you think people that can easily smalltalk are thinking "gee, now I am about to smalltalk"? they don't. They just relax and say the first thing they come out of their mouth.

Indeed.
Learn to react spontaneously. If you need to think about what you want to say in conversation before opening your mouth to say it, then you're not only going to worry too much about things you shouldn't be worrying about. You're also going to miss the moment where you can respond to something by worrying about it too long. And no, it's not easy to change that, although it is quite literally "stop overanalysing and worrying and start talking".

By contrast, if she is interested, then you won't mess it up.

Almost true. Certainly thing normally progress very naturally and "on their own" if both parties are interested (and you'll know it when that happens, you don't need to wonder "am I doing ok?", you'll know). However, it's still possible for two people to mess things up because they're both shy or afraid to initiate the next step.

OICW said:

And most importantly, if she's like considering another guy while still in relationship, how high is your chance that she won't do it to you as well?

While that's a natural consideration, it's not entirely obvious that this is actually a concern. Perhaps the relationship is already sour but she hasn't worked up the courage or motivation to end it. You're better off single than in a bad relationship, but sometimes people will stay in a bad relationship because they're more afraid of being single ("will anyone ever love me after this?") - especially if they're a little shy or insecure.
It's worse if someone actually cheats while in a relationship.

OICW
Member #4,069
November 2003
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Evert said:

sometimes people will stay in a bad relationship because they're more afraid of being single ("will anyone ever love me after this?") - especially if they're a little shy or insecure.

Well, yes. There's this border case. I know it from my own experience and from my friends' experience. It's hard to judge, but if I were in a position of the "other" guy who is being considered as a "replacement", first of all I would let the girl sort her things out.

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"Final Fantasy XIV, I feel that anything I could say will be repeating myself, so I'm just gonna express my feelings with a strangled noise from the back of my throat. Graaarghhhh..." - Yahtzee
"Uhm... this is a.cc. Did you honestly think this thread WOULDN'T be derailed and ruined?" - BAF
"You can discuss it, you can dislike it, you can disagree with it, but that's all what you can do with it"

Neil Black
Member #7,867
October 2006
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Evert said:

it is quite literally "stop overanalysing and worrying and start talking".

But when I don't think things through before I say them, I sound like a total idiot!

Evert
Member #794
November 2000
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OICW said:

if I were in a position of the "other" guy who is being considered as a "replacement", first of all I would let the girl sort her things out.

Oh, for sure!
You want the other person to have their issues resolved, and that's also why you have to resolve your own before you try to get into a relationship. Think of it as avoiding damaged goods, as harsh as that sounds.

Bruce Perry
Member #270
April 2000

Bambams has already been avoiding damaged goods :)

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Johan Halmén
Member #1,550
September 2001

Bambam of course is not damaged himself.

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van_houtte
Member #11,605
January 2010
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bambam is one cool cat

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Karadoc ~~
Member #2,749
September 2002
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OICW said:

And most importantly, if she's like considering another guy while still in relationship, how high is your chance that she won't do it to you as well?

I don't think it's wrong, or bad in any way, for someone to consider other relationship options while they are currently in a relationship. In my view, a good relationship should hold together by its own merits. If you rely on relationship lock-in, then you run a much higher risk of getting stuck in an unhappy relationship.

If my girlfriend decides that she's rather be with someone else than with me, then I'd heartily encourage her to do so. It's not good for either of us if she feels trapped. I'd much rather allow her to openly discuss other potential relationship with me, rather than feel like she must keep her feelings secret for fear that I'll feel betrayed in some way. I would not feel betrayed if my girlfriend told me she liked someone else; I would feel trusted, because it would indicate that she trusts our relationship enough to tell me.

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Arthur Kalliokoski
Second in Command
February 2005
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Every couple is bound to be weary of each other time to time, the time to split is if it goes on for several months or more. OICW was talking more about the opportunistic bottom-feeders (top-feeders?).

[EDIT]

A couple who are weary of each other should take a look at what's getting them in a rut, a relationship takes work to maintain. Those who are too lazy/stupid to do it on their own have to pay marriage counselors.

“Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty. This is known as "bad luck.”

― Robert A. Heinlein

OICW
Member #4,069
November 2003
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More specifically I was talking about the situation where I'd be in a position of the "guy that would probably be a better choice". In that case, she should probably talk it out with her boyfriend first as Karadoc says and then we could see. Sure I'm all for trust and talking things out, but I won't serve as a some guniea pig for her to decide.

Either she would have interest in me and resolve her current relationship, or not. Kind of like Arthur said - this is more opportunistic ones.

[My website][CppReference][Pixelate][Allegators worldwide][Who's online]
"Final Fantasy XIV, I feel that anything I could say will be repeating myself, so I'm just gonna express my feelings with a strangled noise from the back of my throat. Graaarghhhh..." - Yahtzee
"Uhm... this is a.cc. Did you honestly think this thread WOULDN'T be derailed and ruined?" - BAF
"You can discuss it, you can dislike it, you can disagree with it, but that's all what you can do with it"

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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So basically it's okay to cheat if:

  • You get permission, or

  • Your original lover never finds out.

I think the second is the better approach. Every good, long relationship is built on dishonesty and secrets.

Arthur Kalliokoski
Second in Command
February 2005
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“Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty. This is known as "bad luck.”

― Robert A. Heinlein

Karadoc ~~
Member #2,749
September 2002
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If you have permission, then not only is it ok to be with someone else, it isn't even 'cheating' at all!

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Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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It's not cheating, but ... Say you got permission, did your thing, and didn't like it. Your girlfriend trusts you more, but trusts your relationship less.

Now if you did it all behind her back, then there's no harm. Unless she finds out... Then you must explain that she has nothing to be mad about because if she couldn't tell when she didn't know, then obviously it didn't hurt her any.

Karadoc ~~
Member #2,749
September 2002
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I agree with that. The only problem is you might not be able to convince her not to be mad. That's probably something worth working out before going ahead.

Also, whether or not she has reason to be mad depends on how she 'found out'. If she found out because you'd been flaking on your commitments to her, and waking her up when you come stumbling into the house drunk in the middle of the night, or something like that, then maybe the no harm, no foul argument won't be appropriate...

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