Maybe her husband told her not to answer to the first few letters... and wrote the reply to the last one

I would not even start thinking in that direction. Even if she never received any of the letters and even if it was her husband responding, it's best for Edgar to move on.

It is.

I can maybe picture myself being in that situation and agree that I could feel the same way. So in a sense I agree that it may be understandable. That still doesn't mean it's acceptable behaviour.
Look, some things are cute and adorable in puberty, but highly inappropriate and creepy in adults. With hindsight I think some of the ideas and notions I had in puberty are quite creepy too.

It sounds like the first letter was a little bit strongly worded. What are her options after receiving a letter like that? It would seem to her that you want to get back together; and if she doesn't want that, or isn't sure that she wants that. Maybe she thought you might even have more sinister intentions. What is she meant to say? "I've moved on. Deal with it." -- ... Obviously there are many other options for her, but the key point is that the original letter sounded very confrontational. It was not just a get-back-in-touch letter.

That in itself isn't intrinsically bad; but I think it was a mistake to follow it up with more letters etc. It's likely that she didn't respond to the first letter because she felt too uncomfortable about it. I fully understand why you kept sending stuff. I've made that mistake myself - more than once. -- But really, I think after a strong letter like that first one you have no choice but to just wait for a response. A followup did-you-get-the-first-one kind of letter is only allowable when the first letter is not so confronting. I guess for this reason, the first letter could be considered a mistake, because it limits your options. It might have been better to open with "Hi. Do you remember me? Lets have lunch some time." and to keep your deeper feeling to yourself until you have a better handle on her situation.

.

So, in short, my answers:

1. No.

2. It is not an unreasonable request, but I think you have to build up to it.

3. I don't think your behaviour was immoral or illegal; but perhaps a bit socially insensitive. (ie. I think you probably overlooked or misunderstood how she would feel about your correspondence.) You're certainly not going to go for gaol for what you've described here - as long as you don't try to persist now that she's told you to stop.

Didn't read the thread, just the OP & few replies.

>Was I wrong trying to contact her and make amends after 15 years apart?

Not really. But be honest with yourself, why did you do that? & what for?

You really missed her and wanted her back. That's after she has built another life, which doesn't have any place to you. It would provoke undesired emotions. Your questions about legality of the stuff show you realize you're doing something wrong. To a degree..

Something rude:

>All I ever asked of her was to forgive me and to speak to me.

You've made it clear you feel like you want her back, and you know. She might assume/know it as well.

>All I wanted was to know how she's been and how she is now. Is this an unreasonable request to make of someone I used to be involved with, someone I took to my Senior Prom?

Taking in to consideration my above statements, it's just childish. And she doesn't want to feed the troll.

>Is my behaviour immoral or illegal? What if I sent her one last letter to say goodbye? Could I go to jail?

... No. But your thoughts about it display that you realize your actions are kind of immoral/wrong.

P.S:
It's my personal opinion, and I'm surely wrong somewhere.. But there gotta be some truth in my words as well.

Hey Edgar, I realize your intent is clean (and I know it's hard to say some of that or do some of that without feeling like a stalker)

I read only the full first page of text before posting this.

As a married woman I would think it very possible that even with your letter addressed to her, that either questions were asked about it from her husband or she voluntary let him know about them. From the husband's perspective it's like a foreign person trying to win his wife over, and I'd imagine he has some part of the dynamic change of attitude (a polite response to a legal threat) I don't think it was her own whim. Just think about it from her husband's perspective and just assume intervention or influence of some degree on his part.

I don't know if I would be comfortable picking up packages (especially being married) so that was probably weird. I would've asked her about those before just sending them.

Unfortunately, yes, her being claimed now is pretty much a game over for you. Did you actively think about her those last 15 years? The "feeling" of love itself goes away on average two years, so there is hope to recover then when it's your own will to love her left and you're not "automatically" in love with her.

Letters are very intimate and it'd be a very dangerous thing for a married woman to hold on to. She's moved on. You really can't follow her.

I'm not too sure about this next part, but you could (letters are still creepy) apologize for your actions (or rather not limiting your longing enough to a non-creepy level) and make it more of an apology than a goodbye, but still a goodbye. And keep it pretty short, and don't contact her again unless contacted.

I don't see why you're calling him delusional. What delusions do you think he has? It's not like he's claiming that the girl is still in love with him or anything like that.

When Bruce says "/It's obvious that Edgar isn't actually stalker material/" I'm pretty sure what he means is that it's obvious Edgar doesn't want to harm anyone, physically or emotionally. I really don't think what Edgar did is as bad as you are making it out to be. In my view, the only bad Edgar has done is made the mistake of being too open, and then misjudged the meaning of the response (or lack of response). The sorts of social rules / conventions that we are talking about are not an intrinsic part of being human. They aren't automatically known to everyone. They have to be learnt. I don't think Edgar is delusional. I think he just made a mistake, and I think he'll learn from that mistake. Evert talked about how people do this kind of stuff in puberty – What I'm saying is that I don't think it's a big deal if someone just happens to have missed a particular social lesson that most people experienced in their puberty. You have to learn these things sometime, and the opportunity doesn't arise at the same time for everyone. Some people might not have their first love-like feelings until well past puberty. It's not really their fault, and I don't think they should be shunned for some social taboo they happen commit while learning how to deal with those feelings.

That is meaningless. If one were to speak to a murderer the day before he/she offended, one would likely detect very little direct animosity. Most harmful acts are not committed out of spite but out of selfishness and carelessness, and that's what seems to be happening here. He has most likely already caused emotional harm because he is thinking only about what he wants.

Thinking that any good could possibly come out of what he is doing (other than him learning - we hope - that it was a big mistake) seems like a pretty big delusion. What was he expecting to happen? - For her to leave her husband and go skipping off into the sunset with him?

Fair point.

I'll break the creepy factor down in a scale of 1 to 10, considering it's been fifteen years since the last meaningful conversation.

2

8

6

1

7

3

8

4

10

7

8

10

10

10

9

10

Ask a friend of a relative of a friend of a friend of a relative of a friend who you are still in close contact with. If you didn't know any of her friends, then I imagine this relationship was probably nothing like you remember it was...

But really, there's no harm in casually looking up somebody's contact info, but writing a letter and saying, "I know you are married to a guy named Jim Bob" goes beyond that into creeper mode.

I give you points for having the balls to contact her. But like I've said many times, there were more more rational ways to do that. It's not the concept of getting in touch that I think is creepy; it's the way you went about it.

And still loving your highschool crush after 15 years of not seeing her? That's where the bit about being "delusional" or something comes in to play.

15 years is a very long time to be holding onto a high school relationship. Let things go. Collect everything that reminds you of the relationship -- photos, letters, locks of hair, etc -- and burn them in a fire.

Then go get laid. Even if you have to pay for it.

+1... And no, I'm not talking about creepiness.

Bruce: I actually agree with you in theory when done properly, and I respect the material in The Game although I've never read it, just heard about it. But in practice and especially in this situation ... creepy.