Actually, it was more like 2 seconds... IVF ftw! So my 5 yr old and 10 yr old are...twins??

My wife and parents wanted me in suicide watch so here I am waiting in the ER in a room suspiciously empty of objects beside the bed. I'm sitting on the bed waiting for medication. After which maybe I'll get to try to sleep with all this noise? Maybe the medication will be a serious sleep drug. I can only hope. As for suicide watch, the hospital is garbage at it. I was left unsupervised for an hour. And nobody has searched me so I could have weapons on me for all they know. I do have my prescription drugs, but I don't think all of those pills would kill me. Only seriously fuck up my health for the remainder of my life probably. I also have my keys and GeeKey, but I don't either would be overly effective. I'm trying to escape pain and suffering so the only attempt I would ever make should be controlled, irreversible, and either cause fast or painless death. Anyway, I'm still hopeful that I can be helped, but I'm operating entirely on faith because so far they've proven unable to help at all.

Append:

Or not. The nurse or crisis worker, whatever she is, just came back to ask how I'm doing. No more mention of meds, but she offered to bring me a drink which was nice. So now I have a tiny cup with ice water. So I'm not sure anymore. But I think I'm still waiting to talk to somebody before going to sleep.

My dad shared some text messages with the crisis worker to demonstrate my mental state, but the one he chose was one expressing my frustrations with women and feminism. So I'm marginally concerned the service I recieve may be biased now, but there's no way of knowing. Meh. Who cares. They help me out they don't.

Append:

Or maybe not. It's 2:30 am. I think this is it. I suspect they will insist upon the door being open so they can easily check on me. I guess it's not a concern of theirs if I sleep now or later. Soon I'll just stay up all night.

Append:

It's now 5 am. Around 3 the nurse finally offered to bring me a blanket to try to sleep. No meds though. So after laying down wide-eyed for 2 hours I decided to just sit back up again and wait for the psychiatrist... But we'll see how much steam I have once the exhaustion hits me.

Now I see that this room is probably made for the mentally ill. The door has no nob or anything inside, but it looks like 3 huge deadbolts can seal it shut maybe. You're not allowed to take photos in the hospital though so I can't show you. I note there are some pretty big dents in the door. Otherwise, it looks surprisingly clean, but the two side walls might have a protective (of the wall, not me) layer or something. It's blue instead of the standard off white. This room does not appear padded though. I could hurt myself and make a scene like a child, but I couldn't kill myself. Not without more skills. Nevertheless I was a little disappointed it wasn't padded. That might just be fun if they don't mind the noise.

Append:

Though to be fair there appears to be an electrical outlet. I could attempt to electrocute myself, but they'd likely be able to resuscitate if I did so all it would accomplish is playing my card too soon, and ending up in restraints or something. There's also a camera in here so they might well catch me before I get anywhere too!

Append:

9 am now. No care yet. I'm not sure if I'm staying all day too, but I think so. Upon further reflection with only one eye opened it's possible that the different walls are just 1000 coats of paint. 🤔😂😁

Append:

Around 9:30 a psychiatrist came to see me. Based on my recent record he concluded that my brain isn't capable of sorting feelings. I don't know if he made up a story I'd buy, but this is what he told me:

The hospital room is my hypothetical brain/mind. I'm not sure what terminology he used. He said that memories get stored in two different filing cabinets. One stores regular memories. A second one stores feelings. He said that when adolescence hit the door came flying open on my feelings, and I wasn't able to handle it for whatever reason. My feelings filing system didn't exist/develop. And so essentially my brain is a fucking mess because there are feelings all over the floor piling up.

To address it he prescribed a new medication (that's 4 at once now, two in the last few days). I don't have it yet and can't store that info on the fly anymore, if ever, but he said that it's going to "lock" the door flooding my brain with feelings. It's an antipsychotic, but he was sure to point out that I'm not psychotic. That should stopmy suicidal ideation and allow the antidepressants to clean things up in my brain.

That's the temporary stopgap to keep me alive. He said I need to sign up for therapy at the hospital. It will be covered by the public health care system, but he said the waiting list is long (as always in Ontario). CBT actually. He said that will be like building a new filing cabinet that works.

It doesn't even approach justice so I was rather unwelcoming of the plan initially. It seems a bit like numbing my feelings because they don't matter so that the people who hurt me get away with it (they already did, but I'm not happy about it). 🙄

But I'm not sure really what it will be like
Maybe I'll just become better at sorting through my feelings, and maybe that will just help me to not care about justice again.

He also said that you need to find socially acceptable ways of getting the feelings out. He said going over it in my brain doesn't help because it doesn't let it out. Writing it down, drawing it, or whatever other socially acceptable way of getting it out. Essentially what I did. 😂

Can't complain too much. He was very understanding, very good at communicating with me, and didn't treat my like a creep or wierdo. I think his assessment has strong merit, and look forward to getting the new med. He said it should work in just two days, which is a lot better news then I've ever been given related to this before. So I'm holding on to hope.

Only time will tell if I get better or not...

Thanks. I'm living with my parents for the weekend and maybe the rest of the following week. Feeling great (being positive). I don't think that the new med is responsible yet, but it should be kicking in soon.

I really want to "fix" me if it can be done because it's hard living like this. So I'm happy to stick to whatever therapy a doctor tells me too. That said, I'm on sick leave right now so I have all day to get ready and go to appointments. Whereas if I go back to work I could imagine it being a challenge to keep up with everything.

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@bamccaig

Have faith dude, it's gonna get better. The road might be hard, but everything will be okay. Trust in God, and trust in the journey.

Why do you do that? Push him away from God when he needs Him the most?

I'm living proof that God heals us. I used to have serious anxiety and when I learned to let go and Trust God, my anxiety went away. I have serious schizophrenia and a month ago I had one of the worst schizophrenic attacks of my life. I prayed to God to heal me. I hadn't slept for 3 days straight, and praying was about all I could do. When I finally fell asleep and woke up the next day my head was clear. I've hardly had a schizophrenic thought since then. My head is clear again. I ran a red light the other day accidentally, and miraculously didn't get t-boned twice from each direction.

So say what you want. I believe in the power of God and I trust in his mercy. Does it offend you that I pray Brandon is healed of his mental illnesses? Too bad.

So why do you do that? Discount God and discourage bambams from seeking the One who can make him whole again. Who hear is doing the disservice to Brandon? Not me.

Rmbeer2 - you're not exactly a psychiatrist, so put your google degree away and let people take care of him and listen to him. It's clear he needs a vent for his anxiety or it will drive him crazy. Depression is real, you can't always 'Get over it' or 'pull yourself up by your boots' that's total BS.

And besides, we can count on bamccaig to never die, because he will always disagree with someone, and he'll be so busy writing his manifesto he won't have time to kill himself. Seriously bammcaig (about writing a book, not suicide). Put all that energy into something positive, like a blog, vlog, youtube series, a diary, a journal, a diatribe, just try putting your energy into writing out your emotions. Then you don't have to experience them over again, they're already down on the page.

I'm seriously wondering why they haven't asked you about Asperger's yet. You seem to be on the spectrum of an idiot savant, (no offense) in your critical thinking skills. I'd hate to debate you in a forum. . (That's what I've been doing here the last 10 years, muahahahaa )

Are you serious?? I can't work out if you're serious or not....which god are you talking about?

That Egg's a double yolker!

I'm not really sure about any of that. Lots of other books say lots of things. All I know is, I try to be nice to make the world a bit better for those around me. I do a lot of cleanups for an animal charity I'm associated with, clean up parks/ponds/walkways. I walk/look after dogs in my spare time, because I like seeing dogs happy, and I know life gets on top of their owners.

Just your line "I'm living proof"....well, that seemed a bit much to me. I'm not knocking your faith, I was just a bit gobsmacked that you put yourself up there.

I also was a bit knocked back that you suggested that as a cure for bam-bam. I wouldn't suggest a cure for him like that, especially not one to a specific god. I'd probably just say that we all love him, and he can PM us any time he wants to talk.

But life is very complex, so we all need to figure out our own way of dealing with it. Just never give up, never give in.

Peace x

Onewing, sounds like you had some hard times. Glad you've come through it. Good to see you again. Remember me? That annoying newb? Haha 101 ;P

P.S.
The last post in this thread was 5 days ago. Get cracking!!!

bambams - get yourself a hobby you enjoy - games / scripting / applications / writing a diary / free write / go for a walk / exercise / cook / eat / read / take a class / find something worth living for.

2) Be grateful - it takes work to do this - but think of all the things you have in your life you are grateful for. Parents, a wife, doggos, a kitty, a job, a home, food to eat, clothes to wear, transportation, intelligence

I mention intelligence last because you seem to use it the least, that is unless you are unleashing it on us here. You should really get into a debate club, or do some professional writing. Get your thoughts out. Get your emotions out. Then move on. The past can't be changed, and worrying about the future ruins the present.

There's a flow chart I want you to have :

1) Do I have a problem?
1a Yes)
   2) Can I do something about it?
   2a Yes)
      Then why worry about it?
   2b No)
      Then why worry about it?
1b No)
   Then I have nothing to worry about.

If all else fails I suggest you give up and pray about it instead. I know my God hears you because he hears me and I pray for you to be healed of these mental and emotional and spiritual blocks.

Hey bam bam!

I hope that you are stepping into the beginning of a journey to personal healing! I wish you well on your path to sobriety and if it's any consolation I am trying to keep sober as well

It's been many years on these forums and I enjoy our discussions and seeing your perspective. Reading your post makes me want to drive up there and give you a sandwich

You can fix this and be happy. Thoughts of suicide are a form of disease, but with treatment and persistence and effort you will have a day when you can talk about them as a bad memory. A friend of mine just died from mental illness last week, completely shocking everyone who knew him. We were not close friends but he was very much loved and his wife is completely beside herself. We don't want that, and you don't want that for your friends and family either, so stick with the treatment and get well soon.

When I took antidepressants I lost a lot of weight as well, but I went from 210lbs to 185lbs in only 2 months due to lack of appetite.

While I don't recommend eating the magic mushrooms they were my saviour for my own PTSD and getting over some of my childhood traumas. Some people need this personal "God", but not me either. My Jesus is mycological in nature and came here on the back of a giant turtle from outer space, or so his story went.

Thanks for the encouraging words and well wishes. I've been improving a lot since getting some things out in the open, confronting some demons, (hurting the people that I love, but hopefully only as much as needed to move past it), and giving my wife and I space to figure things out.

It may be a temporary feeling or a fluke, but after pulling an unintentional all-nighter due to anxiety from yesterday I actually had a great day for a change (the last 2 weeks haven't been all bad, but pretty numb/empty/depressed, even though the thoughts of suicide are back under control and safely catalogued for now). It may also have helped that today my parents (who I've been living with for the last 2 weeks) decided to go to camp and were okay trusting me left behind.

Despite my lack of sleep I was confident that I'd be okay to drive home and back out here. My original inspiration for driving back into the city (my parents live 20 km SE) was that yesterday while waiting at my house to hear from the hospital with my dad I thought that our front lawn was getting too long again, and the next several days are calling for rain so I wanted to get it cut. That and I had a refill of my "locked door" prescription ready at the pharmacy. Alas, I didn't end up doing either.

First I joined my wife on a 45 minute walk with our dog. She's been persistently working on her body using BeachBody (the business model is evil, but the workouts have been great). The walk is part of a challenge she's doing alongside working out. So it was doubly or tripply good. I had been doing that prior to my outburst/temporary separation.

Then I took care of some household chores to give my wife a break since she's been running the house (and working, and working out). Meanwhile, I'm about 1.5 months into a 2 month (and counting?) medical leave from work.

I also cooked her supper, and helped taking care of the pupperoo, Watson. I concluded that I shouldn't rush things and not pressure her with any sexual requests, even though I was extremely horny and she is a bit of a tease in her workout clothes. 15 minutes later I failed at that and asked if she was up for anything later.

The details aren't important (and private), but I think the medication that the first psychiatrist prescribed a couple of weeks ago (ACT-BUPROPION XL 150 mg/day) to reverse the sexual dysfunction I was experiencing from my antidepressant (Citalopram) actually worked! For the first time in MONTHS I had a full and amazing (and relatively quick) orgasm. It's the best orgasm I can remember in recent years!

And of course that's partly just what I needed. But even before that I was just feeling very clear headed and good for once. I was sort of back to myself for today. It was great. Leave it to me to have a rare good day after zero sleep.

Anyway, the plan was still for me to return to my parents tonight so alas I did. Honestly I had to consciously focus on the road to avoid veering out of my lane, but I utilized the unseasonable heater in my Ranger to keep me uncomfortable and conscious. Fortunately I made it back home to my parents' house safely without incident. And even remembered to text my wife and parents that I arrived safely so they wouldn't need to worry.

That said, I still seem to be having memory issues and can very easily still have my brain "blank". The eye doctor called me earlier, and by the end of our 2 minute conversation I had to ask who was calling again (what appointment I had just agreed to bring a list of my medication to). I haven't smoked cannabis in about 2 weeks now (and no alcohol in probably 2 months?). It's interesting that I'm still suffering from these mental issues without cannabis, though it will be another 2-3 weeks before the THC will really be clear from my systems.

I think that part of the whole confusion/memory issues is actually how hard I had been working for the past ~6 years. In particular, my precarious employment mixed with sacrificed vacation time to appease a failed job change (and the abuse I endured in that position for 6 months before getting the hell out of there). Maybe I actually just needed a longer break from work.

At the moment things are starting to look up, but I mustn't get complacent because I could still have bad days for all I know. I'm very happy to finally be able to ask for some help. And though it does take a lot of time, it is proving to be worth the trouble.

I intend to remain sober from alcohol indefinitely (that was hard to kick, and may also play a significant role in my mental health struggles). Or if I do drink now I don't want it to become a habit again, but rather just a one night thing or a single unit right after work occasionally. My brother claims to also be cutting way back on alcohol and getting himself some help too. It's great to finally be here, but it's unfortunate it took us both this long to get real help.

Alas I'm too anxious now to go to sleep so I'm going to stay awake to watch some TNG reruns to hopefully ease my anxiety before probably sleeping for 24 ish hours after. Today has also interfered with my schedule for my "locked door" drug so I'm behind on it. But it is supposed to make me drowsy so it should just help me sleep to take the missed doses now... Hopefully without any harmful effects.

I also nearly ran out of gas a few times today so that was a bit of an adventure too, but I'm too drained now to continue writing.

Writing here has long been an effective way for me to get my feelings out (and from time to time it's still a great place to challenge my ideas). I'm starting to question whether I could actually journal or perhaps attempt to write a book. That or perhaps channel the energy instead into music.. For the first time in a while I was able to enjoy music, relate the music and lyrics to how I am feeling or what I'm thinking about, as well as singing. Somehow being back at my parents house has also reinspired some rap practice. Though I'm rusty and my memory isn't helping. It's weird how songs I haven't heard in a while didn't even sound familiar at first today. Even songs that I should know by artists that I love. But let's not worry about that unless it continues.

As with my recent mental posts I swiped this on my S10+ so hopefully there aren't too many errors.

I hope you're all doing well. Great to hear from each of you. I'm starting to wonder if I'll be back to work soon. But in the meantime with me sober (and living with my parents doesn't hurt) we seem to be keeping up with our bills even with me off work, collecting only employment insurance (public system). There's still a ways to go, but I'm back to being a bit driven to live. And I'm back to trying to take care of my family, at least in the limited ways that I'm still able. Take care everyone. And thanks. I love you guys (at least, today). I swear I'm neither drunk nor stoned, but I'm definitely tired... Until next time.

(I don't really have the capacity for proof reading these long posts right now so bear with me... Well, okay, maybe I have a little...)

Append:

I guess I could also mention that a recruiter affiliated with Amazon expressed some interest in my LinkedIn profile and wants me to partake in a virtual interview.

It is neat, but if reviews of Amazon as an employer are accurate they sound far too demanding for me to handle. At least, for now.

I considered doing the interview anyway for practice, but I think I'm just going to pass it up. I'm worried it may stress me out again and cause a regression. Even though it could be great practice, or just a neat story, I'm going to opt to focus on my mental health for now. Besides, my manager has been amazing throughout this whole ordeal, and the recruiter's message said I'd need to move to either Toronto (FUCK no!) or Vancouver (this could be awesome, but it's not really something I am ready to consider now).

Anyway, I haven't even replied in a couple of days. I can hope that I just come across as hard to get/worth special consideration, but realistically I think that they're probably just burning through a pile of mentally unwell overworked developers (other types of employees had even worse things to say, at least if the reviews I read are to be trusted).