As this is actually my favourite community, and I had bothered you with a sob story before, I think it's right to give you a little update. It does explain why I'm not around as much any more. And compared to my last venting, it's actually less burdening. Currently I'm struggling with a depression, and I'm starting to win.
I don't know whether I had told you this before, but in October 2011 I had for the second time attempted (actually started and chickened out) suicide. The thought that eventually stopped me was: "why the hell am I taking any human's life?". After that incident I got intensive treatment, way more adequate than the first time I was diagnosed with depression.
I have been seeing a psychotherapist weekly for a year or so now. And finally we're getting to the core of what's bothering me. So here's the story. I had always been very actively and consciously involved with my emotions; maybe because I had trouble with them in the first place. When some events occurred around my 16th, I was very confused about my emotions. That was accompanied by a depression, which only made matters worse. I didn't understand at all what was happening, and I couldn't talk with anyone about it. Especially that last fact resonated with a prior unpleasant experience. I began to think there was a place in my mind that shouldn't be. I began denying my emotions. But also my sense of discretion was messed up, because it seemed very inappropriate what I was thinking and feeling; not only to tell anyone, but also to experience. I'm sorry I have burdened you with that lack of discretion before. In the confusion that is puberty I started to identify myself with my depressed habits. Bad times.
Now me and all the psychotherapists (big credit to them) finally dug up why I was confused back then. The next step is to tackle my fear there is something fundamentally wrong with my mind, which has grown into quite a beast.
At the moment I'm actually taking a break of my feeling of obligation (and all the things I feel I'm obligated to do). This is a very counter-intuitive way to work on yourself, believe me. I'm running 3 times a week now; one time in a running therapy group. And I've picked up the recorder, got given 4 wooden ones, and now I have a big enough of a challenge finding all the time to warm them up. I had been programming sporadically, but the atticware I run is so finicky... Picked up doodling as well. A good week for me now is when I get to my hobbies and other activities; a bad week is only games and internet. But I have the routine of running and playing recorder, and all in all it's not bad considering depression. I had the luck I can live from a hand-out for young people with work impairing illnesses. I had been looking for normal day-time activities again, but I've just recently come into terms with the fact I might not be ready yet.
Hope this interests at least one reader. Shout out to all depressed people out there: meh.

Tell me about the recorder playing. I used to play the recorder when I studied church music. We had a set of recorders, soprano, alto, tenor and bass, very well sounding wooden ones. We played mainly renaissance and baroque music. You should definitely find some people to play with.

I had depression. Getting a place of my own cured it. This isn't a joke; the psychotherapist I was seeing at the time recommended it.

Life is pretty damn fun when you do it right.

I too was depressed for a long time. Then I took life into my own hands and now every day is better than the last.

Its good that you're getting through it. These things always come to pass.

I've been suffering from depressions most of my life (caused by being unable to talk to people (at all), caused by very bad social phobia). But right now they are on hold while I have a gf for the first time in my life And she's also willing to help me with my phobia... and doing a much better job than my therapist

Quoted for truth.

I used to think it "just stops" someday. It doesn't. You have to actively work towards ending its grasp on you, otherwise its likely never to end. Nothing comes free, I guess... except free energy.

... This thread has made me wonder if depression is more common among programmers than folks from other backgrounds.

Congrats on the gf, Elias. I know how it feels.

It saddens me to think we almost lost ya.

You aren't alone in your struggle to overcome this. You gotta remember, that eventually, if you work at it, things actually get a little better. I think that's actually the best feeling of all: realizing that things suck giant balls, but... its getting better!

EDIT:

That's actually what I was realizing just before logging on. Things do suck! But seeing some improvement is a nice feeling. Things do get better!

How does such a thick book stay open?

The mind boggles.

This song made me think of you today:

So many depressed people!

HUGS

I recommend watching some Ajahn Brahm on youtube. He teaches meditation and tells bad jokes. He's also a very good voice to listen to as you fall asleep.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N_jjY7W_fs

It took me a while to stop being a victim to my feelings, and realise that they are a perfectly healthy natural reaction to my environment.
Thankfully my suicidal tendencies were cured by psychedelics/magic mushrooms nearly two decades ago, which gave me a profound sense of belonging in the universe, and knowing that it would be okay if I opted out, but that I would be missed. It's nice to be loved, even if it is by nothing.

Be nice to one another, it goes too damn quick.