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Onewing
Member #6,152
August 2005
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Actually, it was more like 2 seconds... IVF ftw! So my 5 yr old and 10 yr old are...twins??

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Solo-Games.org | My Tech Blog: The Digital Helm

Bob Keane
Member #7,342
June 2006

Onewing said:

So my 5 yr old and 10 yr old are...twins??

It happens more than you think. I have two nieces born on the same day two years apart. Long labour.

By reading this sig, I, the reader, agree to render my soul to Bob Keane. I, the reader, understand this is a legally binding contract and freely render my soul.
If we get apple juice from squeezing apples, and we get prunes from drying out plums, where does prune juice come from?
Ceterum censeo delendam esse rei.

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

My wife and parents wanted me in suicide watch so here I am waiting in the ER in a room suspiciously empty of objects beside the bed. :D I'm sitting on the bed waiting for medication. After which maybe I'll get to try to sleep with all this noise? Maybe the medication will be a serious sleep drug. I can only hope. As for suicide watch, the hospital is garbage at it. I was left unsupervised for an hour. And nobody has searched me so I could have weapons on me for all they know. I do have my prescription drugs, but I don't think all of those pills would kill me. Only seriously fuck up my health for the remainder of my life probably. I also have my keys and GeeKey, but I don't either would be overly effective. I'm trying to escape pain and suffering so the only attempt I would ever make should be controlled, irreversible, and either cause fast or painless death. Anyway, I'm still hopeful that I can be helped, but I'm operating entirely on faith because so far they've proven unable to help at all.

Append:

Or not. The nurse or crisis worker, whatever she is, just came back to ask how I'm doing. No more mention of meds, but she offered to bring me a drink which was nice. So now I have a tiny cup with ice water. So I'm not sure anymore. But I think I'm still waiting to talk to somebody before going to sleep.

My dad shared some text messages with the crisis worker to demonstrate my mental state, but the one he chose was one expressing my frustrations with women and feminism. :o So I'm marginally concerned the service I recieve may be biased now, but there's no way of knowing. Meh. Who cares. They help me out they don't.

Append:

Or maybe not. It's 2:30 am. I think this is it. I suspect they will insist upon the door being open so they can easily check on me. I guess it's not a concern of theirs if I sleep now or later. Soon I'll just stay up all night.

Append:

It's now 5 am. Around 3 the nurse finally offered to bring me a blanket to try to sleep. No meds though. So after laying down wide-eyed for 2 hours I decided to just sit back up again and wait for the psychiatrist... But we'll see how much steam I have once the exhaustion hits me. ;)

Now I see that this room is probably made for the mentally ill. The door has no nob or anything inside, but it looks like 3 huge deadbolts can seal it shut maybe. You're not allowed to take photos in the hospital though so I can't show you. I note there are some pretty big dents in the door. Otherwise, it looks surprisingly clean, but the two side walls might have a protective (of the wall, not me) layer or something. It's blue instead of the standard off white. This room does not appear padded though. I could hurt myself and make a scene like a child, but I couldn't kill myself. Not without more skills. Nevertheless I was a little disappointed it wasn't padded. That might just be fun if they don't mind the noise.

Append:

Though to be fair there appears to be an electrical outlet. I could attempt to electrocute myself, but they'd likely be able to resuscitate if I did so all it would accomplish is playing my card too soon, and ending up in restraints or something. There's also a camera in here so they might well catch me before I get anywhere too!

Append:

9 am now. No care yet. I'm not sure if I'm staying all day too, but I think so. Upon further reflection with only one eye opened it's possible that the different walls are just 1000 coats of paint. πŸ€”πŸ˜‚πŸ˜

Append:

Around 9:30 a psychiatrist came to see me. Based on my recent record he concluded that my brain isn't capable of sorting feelings. I don't know if he made up a story I'd buy, but this is what he told me:

The hospital room is my hypothetical brain/mind. I'm not sure what terminology he used. He said that memories get stored in two different filing cabinets. One stores regular memories. A second one stores feelings. He said that when adolescence hit the door came flying open on my feelings, and I wasn't able to handle it for whatever reason. My feelings filing system didn't exist/develop. And so essentially my brain is a fucking mess because there are feelings all over the floor piling up.

To address it he prescribed a new medication (that's 4 at once now, two in the last few days). I don't have it yet and can't store that info on the fly anymore, if ever, but he said that it's going to "lock" the door flooding my brain with feelings. It's an antipsychotic, but he was sure to point out that I'm not psychotic. That should stopmy suicidal ideation and allow the antidepressants to clean things up in my brain.

That's the temporary stopgap to keep me alive. He said I need to sign up for therapy at the hospital. It will be covered by the public health care system, but he said the waiting list is long (as always in Ontario). CBT actually. He said that will be like building a new filing cabinet that works.

It doesn't even approach justice so I was rather unwelcoming of the plan initially. It seems a bit like numbing my feelings because they don't matter so that the people who hurt me get away with it (they already did, but I'm not happy about it). πŸ™„

But I'm not sure really what it will be like
Maybe I'll just become better at sorting through my feelings, and maybe that will just help me to not care about justice again.

He also said that you need to find socially acceptable ways of getting the feelings out. He said going over it in my brain doesn't help because it doesn't let it out. Writing it down, drawing it, or whatever other socially acceptable way of getting it out. Essentially what I did. πŸ˜‚

Can't complain too much. He was very understanding, very good at communicating with me, and didn't treat my like a creep or wierdo. I think his assessment has strong merit, and look forward to getting the new med. He said it should work in just two days, which is a lot better news then I've ever been given related to this before. So I'm holding on to hope.

Only time will tell if I get better or not...

LennyLen
Member #5,313
December 2004
avatar

Hope things look better soon dude.

Regarding CBT, it's something you have to stick to. It can seem at first like it can't actually do anything, but it just takes time. It's a very powerful tool.

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

Thanks. I'm living with my parents for the weekend and maybe the rest of the following week. Feeling great (being positive). I don't think that the new med is responsible yet, but it should be kicking in soon.

I really want to "fix" me if it can be done because it's hard living like this. So I'm happy to stick to whatever therapy a doctor tells me too. That said, I'm on sick leave right now so I have all day to get ready and go to appointments. Whereas if I go back to work I could imagine it being a challenge to keep up with everything.

Eric Johnson
Member #14,841
January 2013
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Happy Piccolo Day. 8-)

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
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{"name":"piccolo_playing_piccolo_by_blackhellcat.jpg","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/4\/8\/48f36f7e3fcb53e72f231356ed03108a.jpg","w":900,"h":655,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/4\/8\/48f36f7e3fcb53e72f231356ed03108a"}piccolo_playing_piccolo_by_blackhellcat.jpg

@bamccaig

Have faith dude, it's gonna get better. The road might be hard, but everything will be okay. Trust in God, and trust in the journey.

DanielH
Member #934
January 2001
avatar

Why do you do that? You know he doesn't believe in God, but you still push the topic.

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
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Why do you do that? Push him away from God when he needs Him the most?

I'm living proof that God heals us. I used to have serious anxiety and when I learned to let go and Trust God, my anxiety went away. I have serious schizophrenia and a month ago I had one of the worst schizophrenic attacks of my life. I prayed to God to heal me. I hadn't slept for 3 days straight, and praying was about all I could do. When I finally fell asleep and woke up the next day my head was clear. I've hardly had a schizophrenic thought since then. My head is clear again. I ran a red light the other day accidentally, and miraculously didn't get t-boned twice from each direction.

So say what you want. I believe in the power of God and I trust in his mercy. Does it offend you that I pray Brandon is healed of his mental illnesses? Too bad.

So why do you do that? Discount God and discourage bambams from seeking the One who can make him whole again. Who hear is doing the disservice to Brandon? Not me.

RmBeer2
Member #16,660
April 2017
avatar

For @bamccaig :
Are you happy with what is happening to you? I don't understand what you really do.
All you do is always become a guinea pig, for the system, for the company, and now for the hospital.
It's partly your fault for letting yourself pile all the problems on top and never do anything, in the end you are a crap.
Why don't you listen to me and really think about what exactly you want? Are you really looking for happiness or to be good? What makes you feel better?

You're just hurting everyone and you're content with them talking nice to you, pretending to take care of you, and accepting medication in exchange for their apparent kindness. Are you an idiot?

You better get on with it, think about it well what you want for your life, do it, look for it, even if you have to kill everyone or kill yourself to achieve it. But right now you have nothing, you don't even know what you want, you are lost.

I'm sorry. But in that state you will not get anywhere, you will only be more defeated still, you will continue to lose and ruin what is left of your existence. More cowardly, more tied to mental conditioning, more left.
Who are you going to listen to exactly? A bunch of idiot sheep?

Look, if you want some solution to your life. So start by dropping all the shit you hate and loathe, look for exactly what you want. If you don't, then no one can help you. Exactly no one is going to help you, no one will move a hair for you, you are the one who has to do something, the one who knows the correct solution, only you and no one but you.

If you still don't follow my advice, which is only a guide for your life, because everything depends on you and no one else. Then it's just going to be your complete fault. More than a guide, it is a reaction, so that you wake up at once. You need someone to beat you up. You're just resting on your laurels all the time and doing nothing.

So stop being so stupid and do something!!

(If I changed my place with you, I would get bored of being in the hospital and have fun burning everything, those paint-laden walls must be highly flammable and I'm curious. Or go to another level, and experiment with whatever tools you find there using medics and guards as patients, it would be fun.)

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Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

Rmbeer2 - you're not exactly a psychiatrist, so put your google degree away and let people take care of him and listen to him. It's clear he needs a vent for his anxiety or it will drive him crazy. Depression is real, you can't always 'Get over it' or 'pull yourself up by your boots' that's total BS.

And besides, we can count on bamccaig to never die, because he will always disagree with someone, and he'll be so busy writing his manifesto he won't have time to kill himself. Seriously bammcaig (about writing a book, not suicide). Put all that energy into something positive, like a blog, vlog, youtube series, a diary, a journal, a diatribe, just try putting your energy into writing out your emotions. Then you don't have to experience them over again, they're already down on the page.

I'm seriously wondering why they haven't asked you about Asperger's yet. You seem to be on the spectrum of an idiot savant, (no offense) in your critical thinking skills. I'd hate to debate you in a forum. ;D. (That's what I've been doing here the last 10 years, muahahahaa >:( :-* )

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

I am unable to believe in God because of the way that I think. I seek absolute truths. Religion won't give me the same relief that it does others because I'm not under their spell. That said, praying for me to get better is appreciated. At the least, it's nice for somebody to be supportive for a change. 😊

My family church is having services on Zoom. So on Sunday I listened in. I wanted to watch from home too, but I haven't been awake on Sunday morning for a month or more so that didn't happen. Even though I don't believe in God, I still appreciate the church family, and I think they'll tolerate my atheism (as long as I keep it to myself). I thought that attending might help me anyway. I was a little bit disappointed in the online format though. No group singing. Kind of takes the fun out of it.

As for piccolo's wacky advice, I barely understood it. It kind of sounds like what I was thinking about on Thursday when my family insisted on suicide watch at the hospital. I was thinking more or less along those lines. Of course, that scared my wife and parents. I threatened to attempt to kill a 1% biker, which should guarantee I at least get my ass kicked if not killed too.

The thoughts that I'm having aren't good. Acting on them won't fix anything. The best that I can come up with is hurting the people who hurt me. But it's not so black and white. While I do think that those people mistreated and neglected me, I need to also factor in my own limitations. Those people probably couldn't communicate with me. What's upsetting though is that instead of getting to know me better and trying they just outcast me instead.

I even have a certain amount of resentment now for my parents and other loved ones from previous generations that used to make fun of me growing up for never talking, but apparently none of them thought that was worth addressing, or didn't think it was their problem.

That said, on Thursday I was very much motivated to act and stop taking it. Much as piccolo suggested. Doing it the way that I fantasized about it would ruin my life and accomplish nothing. But I want to hold onto the energy and drive that it gave me.

There are no simple solutions for me. I'm a 34 year old incel virgin married for 2 years with years and years of cumulative issues built up. There's no fixing that. There's no undoing that. That has already happened. That doesn't have to be a crisis for everyone, but for me it is.

Dizzy Egg
Member #10,824
March 2009
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I'm living proof that God heals us.

Are you serious?? I can't work out if you're serious or not....which god are you talking about?

----------------------------------------------------
Please check out my songs:
https://soundcloud.com/dont-rob-the-machina

Dizzy Egg
Member #10,824
March 2009
avatar

I'm living proof that God heals us.

Are you serious?? I can't work out if you're serious or not....which god are you talking about?

----------------------------------------------------
Please check out my songs:
https://soundcloud.com/dont-rob-the-machina

LennyLen
Member #5,313
December 2004
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That Egg's a double yolker!

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
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I'm living proof that God heals us.

Are you serious?? I can't work out if you're serious or not....which god are you talking about?

I'm speaking specifically of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ. He's the one and only high priest after the order of Melchizedek (King of the Just). He's the only path to God the Father. He's Emmanuel, God with us. He's the only one whose sacrifice was capable of redeeming us from Hell and sin.

If you wonder why Christians or maybe just me in general are adamant about their beliefs, try reading Ezekiel. God told Ezekiel that if he warned the people of their sins he would be innocent of their blood, but if he didn't warn them not to sin, then he would be guilty of their blood. Christians have a moral responsibility to warn others away from death and back to life. If you saw someone in danger and you did nothing to warn them or help them, aren't you guilty of their death?

John chapter 20 may shed some light on things.

24 But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, β€œWe have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, β€œUnless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”

26 A week later his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, β€œPeace be with you.” 27 Then he said to Thomas, β€œPut your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.” 28 Thomas answered him, β€œMy Lord and my God!” 29 Jesus said to him, β€œHave you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.”

The Purpose of This Book

30 Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. 31 But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.

Dizzy Egg
Member #10,824
March 2009
avatar

I'm not really sure about any of that. Lots of other books say lots of things. All I know is, I try to be nice to make the world a bit better for those around me. I do a lot of cleanups for an animal charity I'm associated with, clean up parks/ponds/walkways. I walk/look after dogs in my spare time, because I like seeing dogs happy, and I know life gets on top of their owners.

Just your line "I'm living proof"....well, that seemed a bit much to me. I'm not knocking your faith, I was just a bit gobsmacked that you put yourself up there.

I also was a bit knocked back that you suggested that as a cure for bam-bam. I wouldn't suggest a cure for him like that, especially not one to a specific god. I'd probably just say that we all love him, and he can PM us any time he wants to talk.

But life is very complex, so we all need to figure out our own way of dealing with it. Just never give up, never give in.

Peace x

----------------------------------------------------
Please check out my songs:
https://soundcloud.com/dont-rob-the-machina

Onewing
Member #6,152
August 2005
avatar

@bamccaig that's some heavy stuff and I feel for you. I haven't been very active here lately, but I always appreciated your opinions on all the various subjects we find ourselves discussing on these forums. You'll be in my thoughts and my prayers. For real. I use a Trello board for this stuff because of course I do. ;D

I can't fully relate, but I do remember hitting adolescence and finding my thoughts becoming pretty dark. It's happened ever since, requiring I manage it. I recall telling my parents that "I don't want to exist anymore." I don't think I was near suicide, but I was certainly okay with something ending my life. Naturally, my parents freaked out and...decided to take me to more movies? They really had no idea how to deal with that. I don't fault them for that.

I realized there's a part of me that's broken when I was driving back to my apartment from my dream job. I was working at a game studio and I was as happy as I've ever been. And, I had a moment of "I could just drive off the road right here and be done with it."

When life DID hit rock bottom shortly after that dream job ended and several tragedies happened in a row, doctors did put me on antidepressants. For me, I had to work my way off them, I just didn't like the numbness, the inability to celebrate good things. It took a while. Also, fun fact, I don't believe there's such a thing as rock bottom anymore. There's a part of me waiting for the next tragedy to occur and trying to be mentally prepared for it.

I don't know if me talking about my personal experience is beneficial to you. I'm hoping it is and not having an opposite effect. I hope you find a strong support structure that gives you hope and purpose and the strength to keep on when hope and purpose seem gone.

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Solo-Games.org | My Tech Blog: The Digital Helm

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

Onewing, sounds like you had some hard times. Glad you've come through it. Good to see you again. Remember me? That annoying newb? Haha 101 ;P ;)

P.S.
The last post in this thread was 5 days ago. Get cracking!!! >:(

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

Thanks, Onewing. And good to "see" you.

I'm still at my parents' house. It has made abstaining from cannabis easier. I think I'm close to 2 weeks sober. Hopefully I'll get a lasting intolerance for a while to save some money. I guess I should try to avoid using it medicinally, and stick to recreationally instead.

That said, the new medication that was supposed to stop emotions flooding in doesn't seem to have had much of an effect. I'm doing ok largely because I got some things out and I'm away from my wife who upsets me with her self-centered-ness. It sounds like she finally heard me, but she's in no rush to have me come back to the house so I know it's unlikely to be different when I do go back. My life is still in disrepair.

I'm scheduled for online group CBT therapy in June. We'll see what that can do for me. I'm still waiting to hear from my doctor to see if there's an individual therapy option still covered by the public system. In the meantime, I'm kind of a zombie. I'm not interested in doing things anymore. I mostly just sit idle while the time passes. I join my parents and help them when they ask me, but it doesn't really distract from my emptiness.

{"name":"612948","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/9\/5\/9586b66df8a6e634639caddd84158520.jpg","w":2208,"h":2149,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/9\/5\/9586b66df8a6e634639caddd84158520"}612948

I've lost another 10-15 pounds (1 lb ~~ 454g) over the last month. I'm down to about 130 lbs, and even saw 128 a day ago. I haven't been this light since high school or college. I'm back to being able to suck in my gut so my waste is half the depth of my rib cage. For reference I was up to 185 lbs for my wedding 2.5 years ago. Mind you, I have been exercising a tiny bit, but most of the weight loss is due to minimal eating. Plus I'm not drinking calories either.

My last living grandparent has been in and out of hospital for years now. He's my paternal grandfather. The man everybody thought I looked and acted like in my youth. He's 87 years old. He's insisting on surgury that might give him some more comfort and reduce the need for hospital stays, but at his age and in his condition it's very risky. My family seems overly optimistic that he'll survive the surgury, but I think he was miserable enough to prefer death over leaving things be. I hope he gets a satisfying result whatever the case. Sadly tomorrow is the surgury so it's down to the wire. I think that if he survives he's going to sleep here for the night so I'll move out to the trailer in the yard. My biggest fear is that he passes away, and nobody is prepared for that. I know that my dad is going to take it hard.

One of the unfortunate side effects of whatever I am or have is that I was never able to just have one on one conversations to ask friends or family about their lives and what they remember of the world when they were young. It's sad to know how little I retain from those that are gone.

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

bambams - get yourself a hobby you enjoy - games / scripting / applications / writing a diary / free write / go for a walk / exercise / cook / eat / read / take a class / find something worth living for.

2) Be grateful - it takes work to do this - but think of all the things you have in your life you are grateful for. Parents, a wife, doggos, a kitty, a job, a home, food to eat, clothes to wear, transportation, intelligence

I mention intelligence last because you seem to use it the least, that is unless you are unleashing it on us here. You should really get into a debate club, or do some professional writing. Get your thoughts out. Get your emotions out. Then move on. The past can't be changed, and worrying about the future ruins the present.

There's a flow chart I want you to have :

1) Do I have a problem?
1a Yes)
   2) Can I do something about it?
   2a Yes)
      Then why worry about it?
   2b No)
      Then why worry about it?
1b No)
   Then I have nothing to worry about.

If all else fails I suggest you give up and pray about it instead. I know my God hears you because he hears me and I pray for you to be healed of these mental and emotional and spiritual blocks.

Dizzy Egg
Member #10,824
March 2009
avatar

Don't bother praying ::)

Indifference

----------------------------------------------------
Please check out my songs:
https://soundcloud.com/dont-rob-the-machina

Derezo
Member #1,666
April 2001
avatar

Hey bam bam!

I hope that you are stepping into the beginning of a journey to personal healing! I wish you well on your path to sobriety and if it's any consolation I am trying to keep sober as well :)

It's been many years on these forums and I enjoy our discussions and seeing your perspective. Reading your post makes me want to drive up there and give you a sandwich :D

You can fix this and be happy. Thoughts of suicide are a form of disease, but with treatment and persistence and effort you will have a day when you can talk about them as a bad memory. A friend of mine just died from mental illness last week, completely shocking everyone who knew him. We were not close friends but he was very much loved and his wife is completely beside herself. We don't want that, and you don't want that for your friends and family either, so stick with the treatment and get well soon.

When I took antidepressants I lost a lot of weight as well, but I went from 210lbs to 185lbs in only 2 months due to lack of appetite.

While I don't recommend eating the magic mushrooms they were my saviour for my own PTSD and getting over some of my childhood traumas. Some people need this personal "God", but not me either. My Jesus is mycological in nature and came here on the back of a giant turtle from outer space, or so his story went. ;D

"He who controls the stuffing controls the Universe"

Polybios
Member #12,293
October 2010

Bambams, I hope you find a way to get better soon! :)

Wise Egg said:

I'd probably just say that we all love him, and he can PM us any time he wants to talk.

I fully endorse what the egg said. :)

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

Thanks for the encouraging words and well wishes. I've been improving a lot since getting some things out in the open, confronting some demons, (hurting the people that I love, but hopefully only as much as needed to move past it), and giving my wife and I space to figure things out.

It may be a temporary feeling or a fluke, but after pulling an unintentional all-nighter due to anxiety from yesterday I actually had a great day for a change (the last 2 weeks haven't been all bad, but pretty numb/empty/depressed, even though the thoughts of suicide are back under control and safely catalogued for now). It may also have helped that today my parents (who I've been living with for the last 2 weeks) decided to go to camp and were okay trusting me left behind.

Despite my lack of sleep I was confident that I'd be okay to drive home and back out here. My original inspiration for driving back into the city (my parents live 20 km SE) was that yesterday while waiting at my house to hear from the hospital with my dad I thought that our front lawn was getting too long again, and the next several days are calling for rain so I wanted to get it cut. That and I had a refill of my "locked door" prescription ready at the pharmacy. Alas, I didn't end up doing either.

First I joined my wife on a 45 minute walk with our dog. She's been persistently working on her body using BeachBody (the business model is evil, but the workouts have been great). The walk is part of a challenge she's doing alongside working out. So it was doubly or tripply good. I had been doing that prior to my outburst/temporary separation.

Then I took care of some household chores to give my wife a break since she's been running the house (and working, and working out). Meanwhile, I'm about 1.5 months into a 2 month (and counting?) medical leave from work.

I also cooked her supper, and helped taking care of the pupperoo, Watson. I concluded that I shouldn't rush things and not pressure her with any sexual requests, even though I was extremely horny and she is a bit of a tease in her workout clothes. 15 minutes later I failed at that and asked if she was up for anything later.

The details aren't important (and private), but I think the medication that the first psychiatrist prescribed a couple of weeks ago (ACT-BUPROPION XL 150 mg/day) to reverse the sexual dysfunction I was experiencing from my antidepressant (Citalopram) actually worked! For the first time in MONTHS I had a full and amazing (and relatively quick) orgasm. It's the best orgasm I can remember in recent years!

And of course that's partly just what I needed. But even before that I was just feeling very clear headed and good for once. I was sort of back to myself for today. It was great. Leave it to me to have a rare good day after zero sleep. ;D

Anyway, the plan was still for me to return to my parents tonight so alas I did. Honestly I had to consciously focus on the road to avoid veering out of my lane, but I utilized the unseasonable heater in my Ranger to keep me uncomfortable and conscious. Fortunately I made it back home to my parents' house safely without incident. And even remembered to text my wife and parents that I arrived safely so they wouldn't need to worry.

That said, I still seem to be having memory issues and can very easily still have my brain "blank". The eye doctor called me earlier, and by the end of our 2 minute conversation I had to ask who was calling again (what appointment I had just agreed to bring a list of my medication to). ::) I haven't smoked cannabis in about 2 weeks now (and no alcohol in probably 2 months?). It's interesting that I'm still suffering from these mental issues without cannabis, though it will be another 2-3 weeks before the THC will really be clear from my systems.

I think that part of the whole confusion/memory issues is actually how hard I had been working for the past ~6 years. In particular, my precarious employment mixed with sacrificed vacation time to appease a failed job change (and the abuse I endured in that position for 6 months before getting the hell out of there). Maybe I actually just needed a longer break from work.

At the moment things are starting to look up, but I mustn't get complacent because I could still have bad days for all I know. I'm very happy to finally be able to ask for some help. And though it does take a lot of time, it is proving to be worth the trouble.

I intend to remain sober from alcohol indefinitely (that was hard to kick, and may also play a significant role in my mental health struggles). Or if I do drink now I don't want it to become a habit again, but rather just a one night thing or a single unit right after work occasionally. My brother claims to also be cutting way back on alcohol and getting himself some help too. It's great to finally be here, but it's unfortunate it took us both this long to get real help.

Alas I'm too anxious now to go to sleep so I'm going to stay awake to watch some TNG reruns to hopefully ease my anxiety before probably sleeping for 24 ish hours after. :P Today has also interfered with my schedule for my "locked door" drug so I'm behind on it. But it is supposed to make me drowsy so it should just help me sleep to take the missed doses now... Hopefully without any harmful effects.

I also nearly ran out of gas a few times today so that was a bit of an adventure too, but I'm too drained now to continue writing.

Writing here has long been an effective way for me to get my feelings out (and from time to time it's still a great place to challenge my ideas). I'm starting to question whether I could actually journal or perhaps attempt to write a book. That or perhaps channel the energy instead into music.. For the first time in a while I was able to enjoy music, relate the music and lyrics to how I am feeling or what I'm thinking about, as well as singing. Somehow being back at my parents house has also reinspired some rap practice. Though I'm rusty and my memory isn't helping. It's weird how songs I haven't heard in a while didn't even sound familiar at first today. Even songs that I should know by artists that I love. But let's not worry about that unless it continues.

As with my recent mental posts I swiped this on my S10+ so hopefully there aren't too many errors.

I hope you're all doing well. Great to hear from each of you. I'm starting to wonder if I'll be back to work soon. But in the meantime with me sober (and living with my parents doesn't hurt) we seem to be keeping up with our bills even with me off work, collecting only employment insurance (public system). There's still a ways to go, but I'm back to being a bit driven to live. And I'm back to trying to take care of my family, at least in the limited ways that I'm still able. Take care everyone. And thanks. I love you guys (at least, today). I swear I'm neither drunk nor stoned, but I'm definitely tired... Until next time. 8-)

(I don't really have the capacity for proof reading these long posts right now so bear with me... Well, okay, maybe I have a little...)

Append:

I guess I could also mention that a recruiter affiliated with Amazon expressed some interest in my LinkedIn profile and wants me to partake in a virtual interview.

It is neat, but if reviews of Amazon as an employer are accurate they sound far too demanding for me to handle. At least, for now.

I considered doing the interview anyway for practice, but I think I'm just going to pass it up. I'm worried it may stress me out again and cause a regression. Even though it could be great practice, or just a neat story, I'm going to opt to focus on my mental health for now. Besides, my manager has been amazing throughout this whole ordeal, and the recruiter's message said I'd need to move to either Toronto (FUCK no!) or Vancouver (this could be awesome, but it's not really something I am ready to consider now).

Anyway, I haven't even replied in a couple of days. I can hope that I just come across as hard to get/worth special consideration, but realistically I think that they're probably just burning through a pile of mentally unwell overworked developers (other types of employees had even worse things to say, at least if the reviews I read are to be trusted).

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