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amarillion
Member #940
January 2001
avatar

It's tough for me to imagine crippling anxiety like that. I got a glimpse of understanding from following Penny Arcade, their Mike Krahulik (Gabe) seems to have it bad as well. In the end they are successful though. Somehow they managed to turn their personal issues into a successful business.

--
Martijn van Iersel | My Blog | Sin & Cos | Tegel tilemap editor | TINS 2020

Aaron Bolyard
Member #7,537
July 2006
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> What breed is it?

She's a Jack Russel Terrier mix! :)

---
ItsyRealm, a quirky 2D/3D RPG where you fight, skill, and explore in a medieval world with horrors unimaginable.
they / them / their - Erin Maus

Chris Katko
Member #1,881
January 2002
avatar

imagine crippling anxiety like that.

I used to have that. I would have panic attacks if anyone tried to shake my hand. My hand would be covered in sweat. I couldn't use public bathrooms (or even friends bathrooms if too near other people) because I would be terrified people would think I was doing it "wrong" somehow.

I know everyone's mental problems are unique. But for me, I survived it all with exposure therapy--not drugs. Little by little, I'd force myself into situations that made me have attacks. It was pure hell. I was literally screaming inside my own head out of fear and pain. But it worked. Day after day, month after month, year after year I'd push myself just a tiny bit further.

I'm no "public speaker" now, but I have enough skills and confidence that people would come up to me and go "Yeah but it's not easy or natural for me to be outgoing as it is for you." and I'd politely nod, but in my head I'd be smirking knowing how far I'd come... "if they only knew."

-----sig:
“Programs should be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute.” - Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs
"Political Correctness is fascism disguised as manners" --George Carlin

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

I don't just have anxiety in the moment (though I do). I am haunted by it for hours afterwards. For example, if I go to a "party", even with people that I'm comfortable with like family, then later on that night when I've gone home and try to go to bed, for example, my brain will constantly replay every interaction I had or avoided (and even interactions that other people had that I was never going to be a part of) analyzing them for things I did wrong or could have done better or trying to place myself into somebody else's role and imagining how I would have handled it. That's right, I get anxiety for other people. In a sense, I run a simulation in my brain of all of the possibilities that I can fathom.

In the moment I can force myself to smile and go along with it. I've learned to get by by forcing myself into situations too. I can't be outgoing, but I can at least fake it for a minute or two and I'm no longer afraid to try things. Except I'll be up all night worrying about every detail of it later. The only easy ways to shut off that voice and get some sleep have been alcohol and cannabis. The hard way is to just sit through it, processing everything until I can't think of anything more to process. Which if I didn't have to wake up early for work or other commitments wouldn't be so bad, but I rarely have that luxury. I need to get some sleep so that I can function the next day.

That's what anxiety used to be like for me. Now it feels like it's on a whole other level. I find it difficult to draw a line between depression and anxiety right now. What thoughts, feelings, aches and pains are attributed to each? I just know that I'm in a very bad place, and nothing feels right anymore.

I lay awake all night long exhausted, but wide awake. I get up in the morning and my stomach is turning and continues to feel that way all day long. I have no appetite. I'm lucky to eat half of a meal a day before the nausea overwhelms me. I'm overcome with intense feelings of worry and hopelessness. Like my fate is already sealed, and my undoing is inevitable. Like I am ill-equipped to cope with what might come. Extreme emotional reactions to the tiniest input.

I'm distracted all day long, just feeling like I need to be somewhere else or doing something else. I used to be able to sit at my desk for 8 or 12 hours only getting up to urinate. Now I can't seem to sit still for more than 30 minutes or so. I constantly find myself getting up and walking around for no reason. My wife will catch me and ask what I'm doing. I don't have an answer. I just needed to get up, even though what I really need to do is focus on my work.

I've also found that music is uncontrollably playing in my head and I'm subconsciously humming or singing along with it periodically. I don't think that's particularly new. I just think that I used to suppress it well enough so that it only would strike me occasionally. Lately I've found myself humming or singing along to songs that I haven't heard in months or years. It's just there in my head suddenly. Not even songs that I particularly feel like hearing/singing. More like compulsions.

My entire life I've always been confident that I would just cease to exist upon death, but I've started to feel an intense fear of death like anything is possible after death. I still don't give much credibility to any man-made gods or religions though. Like we will wake up into a new universe/reality still exhausted from this one and being harshly judged by aliens for our performance in this one. It's irrational and delusional, but I cannot help it. It's subconscious, and it pushes forcefully into my conscious thought. Even though I consciously don't believe it has any merit, I find myself occasionally terrified thinking about it.

LennyLen
Member #5,313
December 2004
avatar

But for me, I survived it all with exposure therapy--not drugs.

I did both. The reason I started working in the hospitality industry was so that I'd be forced to be in situations that triggered me. And it worked for a time, while I was doing jobs with no real responsibility. Then I started managing restaurants and the stress of the job on top of the background anxiety was just too much.

I'm still working with the public now, but the job itself is stress free so I can maintain my anxiety levels. The last few weeks have been tough though, since our lockdown started. We're actually getting a lot more customers inside the store, but because we're selling so little petrol, revenue is down so staff levels have been cut down. So when it gets really busy there's only me on. Plus our stock deliveries, which need to get put away, are bigger than normal. Some of it is frozen and needs to be put away quickly, but with so many customers it's difficult to do it.

Plus, with the lockdown going on, most of the customers are stressed so are constantly complaining about that our prices don't match the supermarkets, or that we don't carry all the stock that they can normally get from businesses that are shut down. Hopefully this will be over soon.

jmasterx
Member #11,410
October 2009

bamccaig said:

I don't just have anxiety in the moment (though I do). I am haunted by it for hours afterwards. For example, if I go to a "party", even with people that I'm comfortable with like family, then later on that night when I've gone home and try to go to bed, for example, my brain will constantly replay every interaction I had or avoided (and even interactions that other people had that I was never going to be a part of) analyzing them for things I did wrong or could have done better or trying to place myself into somebody else's role and imagining how I would have handled it. That's right, I get anxiety for other people. In a sense, I run a simulation in my brain of all of the possibilities that I can fathom.

Me too. Socializing raises my stress hormones and that causes me to ruminate, overthink and have trouble sleeping but over time I've come to consciously catch it and mitigate it without needing any meds or drugs. Though this quarantine has done wonders for that. I love remote work.

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

I think my breaking point is work stress AKA money stress. If it wasn't for my manager putting constant pressure on me and complaining about how long it's taking me to complete vague things then I think I would be weathering these times just fine and even thriving in a sense (mentally anyway; not physically). Instead, I'm terrified that I'm going to get fired for not working fast enough. And if I get fired we will likely lose our new house (or my parents will have to foot the bill, which will be humiliating). They already gifted us a big sum of money for us to even afford this house so if we lose the house we also lose their hard work. My confidence is at an all time low. Finding new work that pays enough to afford our bills would not be easy in good times, let alone during a pandemic, and I don't think I would qualify for any government assistance if I get fired or quit.

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

bambams. If you're truly worried about your job, then what you need to do is quit wasting all your time drinking and smoking and look for a job. Tell you what, I'll do it with you. We can job hunt together. We have similar talents. I'm going to set up an Indeed profile and start looking there. Is your resume up to date? If not, start working on it now. Instead of worrying about every little thing that you have absolutely no control over, work on something you do have control over.

Polybios
Member #12,293
October 2010

bamccaig said:

complaining about how long it's taking me to complete vague things

Don't you do estimations beforehand?

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

If you're truly worried about your job, then what you need to do is quit wasting all your time drinking and smoking and look for a job. Tell you what, I'll do it with you. We can job hunt together. We have similar talents. I'm going to set up an Indeed profile and start looking there. Is your resume up to date? If not, start working on it now. Instead of worrying about every little thing that you have absolutely no control over, work on something you do have control over.

Finding another job doesn't necessarily solve my problem. The grass isn't necessarily greener. The new job could be even worse. Also my location (where we just bought a house) has limited options and I've exhausted most of them (or due to my anxiety am not currently suited to them). That leaves mostly remote work, which is even harder to secure, and harder to get job security from.

I've been keeping an eye out on LinkedIn for years, and never had any success finding a better job. I was always stuck in my original job. It had many disadvantages, but it also did eventually fruition into a great job. The only problem was management was less than competent and so all of us developers were getting nervous that the company was sinking.

This new company sought me out. I came highly recommended apparently. And it sounded great. It was a risk, but I decided to take it. And at first it seemed like the grass was greener. But slowly I'm beginning to think I've made a mistake. I'm not in a great hurry to make that mistake again. I'm better off to play this one out, and see if my fears are warranted. What this company does have is great leadership that is constantly growing the business. The company can probably afford me indefinitely. It's just a question of whether they're satisfied with me, or want to try somebody else. I'm hoping the pressure that's being put on me is just sloppy management instead of a veiled threat.

Polybios said:

Don't you do estimations beforehand?

No, this company is not primarily a software company and so they haven't developed those practices yet. Prior to me and another guy being hired it was developed by a one-man contract job (that one man is my manager).

The project I've been working on for the past month or so has been importing content from a third party export without documentation... As you can imagine there are a lot of unknowns. This third party doesn't even use a single identifier for data... There are different types of identifiers used interchangeably, and I have no rules for when to use each... It's ... "fun". Estimating this would have been impossible anyway.

Initially I had no contact with the third party developers either. Eventually I did get a contact there, but instead of sending full documentation he just sends the shortest possible ad-hoc answer he can. With a million questions it doesn't work very well to ask him everything so I have to do a lot of discovery work... On half a gigabyte of schemaless XML data.

I'm also new to the company and it's an unfamiliar business sector to me. So I don't really know the rules, and I've been given very little guidance from day one. A lot of what I'm doing is different from what I've done in the past so estimating a lot of it isn't really practical for me yet. I'm still learning a lot of new-to-me things as I go.

There are many ways to solve problems. You can do it quick and dirty, or you can take your time and try to make sure it's as close to perfect as you can, or you can find a happy medium. With the only guidance being "don't break the site!" I lean towards the perfection side of things, but it seems their timelines are more on the quick and dirty side of things.

The other annoying thing is that the manager doesn't review your work until you say it's good to go up. Even though I've tried to share it early and asked for feedback, he just refuses to look. So I can't even get feedback or direction prior to committing my name to the finished product and being scrutinized for it. Naturally I'm not going to hand in a quick and dirty solution so that I can be ridiculed for sloppy work... Also without any real QA if I push code with a serious bug in it that I don't catch then it'll likely flow straight to production and I'll take the blame for it. It just seems like I can't win. Almost like I'm being set up to fail.

Aaron Bolyard
Member #7,537
July 2006
avatar

I really think I got lucky with my job judging by a lot of peeps here. :-/ It pays great, the environment/culture is great, the location is amazing... And I don't even have a degree.

I think the only "downside" is pair programming (we're all Agile XP), but I don't see that as a downside myself.

---
ItsyRealm, a quirky 2D/3D RPG where you fight, skill, and explore in a medieval world with horrors unimaginable.
they / them / their - Erin Maus

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

I have found pair programming to be advantageous at times, though I would probably not thrive if all day everyday was paired.

Last night was my first night completely sober. I didn't have any alcohol and didn't consume any cannabis. It was another sleepless night. I tossed and turned all night. At times it felt like I was nodding off, but it seemed like when I realized I was I would wake back up. Eventually at 3 or 4 in the morning I got up and drank a beer hoping that would knock me out. And again it felt like I was nodding off after, but woke up before falling asleep... On the plus side, I was worried the beer would trigger another spell of depression this morning, but so far I'm not doing bad. I still have high anxiety, but the depression seems minor for now. The beautiful weather may be helping in that regard. It's supposed to be Sunny and 17 C today!

My wife managed to get Fitbit to replace the Versa that was still under warranty. They're shipping it to us now. So hopefully in a week or so I'll have actual evidence of my sleep quality again which will hopefully reveal that I'm sleeping better than I perceive.

Bruce Perry
Member #270
April 2000

For a moment I thought this thread had died, but it just wasn't in Off-Topic Ordeals. Phew! :)

--
Bruce "entheh" Perry [ Web site | DUMB | Set Up Us The Bomb !!! | Balls ]
Programming should be fun. That's why I hate C and C++.
The brxybrytl has you.

GullRaDriel
Member #3,861
September 2003
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We can not let that thread die. Period.

8-)

"Code is like shit - it only smells if it is not yours"
Allegro Wiki, full of examples and articles !!

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

bambams, cannabis withdrawal is a real thing. Every time I quit smoking, I go through withdrawal. Fever / chills / extreme restlessness. It goes away after a few days. Typically 3 or so. Alchol withdrawal can be more severe - look up the symptoms so you know what is you and what is withdrawal.

Peter Hull
Member #1,136
March 2001

For a moment I thought this thread had died

Bruce Perry! I'm now waiting for a posting from Steve Terry and Chris Barry (also Harry Cary but not so much :P )

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

bambams, cannabis withdrawal is a real thing. Every time I quit smoking, I go through withdrawal. Fever / chills / extreme restlessness. It goes away after a few days. Typically 3 or so. Alchol withdrawal can be more severe - look up the symptoms so you know what is you and what is withdrawal.

The problem is that symptoms for clinical depression/anxiety, Citalopram HDR, and alcohol withdrawal are all pretty overlapping... :P It's pretty much impossible to know what is causing what. Which is why the doctor didn't want to add any additional meds for the withdrawal to the mix.

My drinking has never been what I would call severe (I wouldn't call it healthy either). I've never had more than 12 drinks in a night to my knowledge (I could never stomach it). I generally would not start drinking until 5 PM most days. On vacation or the occasional weekend I might start light around 1 or 2 PM, but that's like a beer every 2 hours until 5 PM. I can't remember the last time I did that.

I got pretty good at regulating my intake over the years. Hangovers suck. I was also cognizant of how much I drank. I did put limits on myself. The best way for me to count drinks in a night is to line the empties up on the counter so that in the morning I can see how much I drank, and if I'm able I can also use that count to throttle myself the night before (most times I was able, but I rarely had to do anything conscious about it).

For me a heavy night was 8 or 9 drinks in a night. Of course, that's typically from 6 PM to 1 AM (~7 hours). A few years ago it would have been 6 PM to 3 AM (9 hours, so about one drink per hour on average). In reality, in the last 5 years my first beer would only take about a minute to drink. But the second one would take more like 30 minutes. The next one an hour. By the end of the night I might be nursing a drink for an hour and a half. That count also often included a 5 AM sleep aid (so 7+1 or 8+1).

I think that I am probably experiencing mid-level withdrawal symptoms at worst. It's not bad honestly. I don't really crave alcohol right now. It's been quite easy to taper off and quit. Staying quit is harder, but the worst of my symptoms are anxiety, with I have always had for as long as I can remember; and insomnia, which started before I stopped drinking. And alcohol is the best known treatment to both of these for me, or at least, it used to be when it was effective. I am, however, excited about my current [almost] sobriety and the potential for the future. I think that if my health care practitioners can figure out a solution to depression, anxiety, and insomnia long term that I could potentially quit recreational drugs indefinitely (though realistically hanging around other alcoholics will likely inspire a drink when this COVID-19 lockdown subsides). That remains to be seen, however.

I am excited for my next addictions counseling session though to be able to report that I'm pretty well abstaining now. The first time I spoke to the counselor I expressed no desire to quit. On the other hand, I still can't imagine what they could do for me at this point aside from perhaps discouraging a relapse.

Last night I had a beer while barbecuing after work (in celebration of the weekend). I felt pretty exhausted/drowsy immediately after supper and made the decision to go to bed. I decided to have a second beer in hopes of it putting me right to sleep. I also opted to wear headphones with Evanescence playing so that if I couldn't sleep I might get some time to process any accumulated baggage that hadn't been processed yet. Unfortunately, sleep did not come easy. I listened to music for probably an hour or two before I shut it off in hopes of sleeping. I probably did fall asleep a few times, but it never lasted. I spent much of the night tossing and turning awake. Around 4 AM (actually 4:20 AM...) I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen to think of relief. I laughed internally at the time and thought it could be a sign from God that I should use some cannabis, but decided to stay clean on that for the rest of the night. Instead, I drank one of the hard ciders that my wife had bought for herself, opened, and didn't like. I went back to bed, but I think I laid awake for hours afterward. I finally dreamed a little bit later in the morning so I probably fell asleep for an hour or two again. I finally gave up on trying to sleep around 10:45 AM.

I think that I have gone about 4 days without cannabis so far. I'm debating trying a single hit tonight an hour before bed to see if it will help. I imagine that after 4 days of not using it's going to hit me hard again. I don't really have any craving or compulsion to use cannabis, but I wonder if it might aid in sleeping. If I do use it I don't plan to go back to using it daily. I plan to try to limit it to every few days or every other day at worst. It kind of sucks because I just spent $300 on a brand new vape device, and I have close to 2 ounces of cannabis flower. That might be a multi-year supply or better if I stick to my plan. :P

I haven't weighed myself in a few months probably, but the last time I did I was about 155 lbs (70 kg). I decided to weigh myself today because I was sure that I had been losing weight. Sure enough I only weigh about 146 lbs (66 kg) now. I'm a little bit excited about that. Though everybody was pretty excited that I had put on some weight before, and I also liked the idea of having a bit more weight to throw around in the event of a physical altercation[1], it was all in the form of belly fat so it wasn't very flattering and it made clothing not fit. I'm hoping that I might fit into my original motorcycle jacket again (if the wife didn't throw it out during the move)!

I attribute the weight loss to my loss of appetite, my reoccurring compulsive motor activity, and my reduced intake of beer. I have only been eating half meals per day for nearly a week now. Yesterday was the exception because I managed two small meals instead. I used to compulsively rock my upper torso, or at least keep my legs jumping, and sometime over the last few years I think that I lost that habit. I think because I was getting my anxiety under control. It seems it's back though. I also find myself pacing around at times. Going from 6 - 9 beer per night to 0 - 2 is probably saving a lot of calories. Unfortunately, back when I used to be this weight beer was a major contributor to my caloric intake so there's a chance I'll end up with insufficient nutrition to stay energized now.

(also Harry Cary but not so much :P )

IIRC, his avatar always reminded me of Mr. Dressup. :D

Append:

I just took the puppy out for a 1 kilometer walk (it felt like further). The dog is tired and calm. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight without any drugs.

P.S. My old motorcycle jacket fits! :D

References

  1. At my heaviest I was 180 lbs (82 kg).
Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

bambams - I'm proud of you.

Don't get discouraged if you relapse, or have symptoms. These things take time to fully heal. I'm on your side bro. Stay strong.

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

Work is putting the pressure on again, and I'm not sure I can take it. :-/ They seem to think that if they pressure me I'm going to work faster. More than likely I'm just going to fall apart. Anybody else work like that?

amarillion
Member #940
January 2001
avatar

bamccaig said:

Work is putting the pressure on again, and I'm not sure I can take it. :-/ They seem to think that if they pressure me I'm going to work faster. More than likely I'm just going to fall apart. Anybody else work like that?

Some people work harder under pressure. Some work harder if you offer rewards. Some work harder for more responsibility. Some work harder if you give them more freedom. Some work harder to avoid punishment.

Smart managers know their people and offer the right incentive for the right person. Stupid managers only know one way to motivate people and keep using it over and over, even if it doesn't work.

--
Martijn van Iersel | My Blog | Sin & Cos | Tegel tilemap editor | TINS 2020

Johan Halmén
Member #1,550
September 2001

Isn't it so wrong that anxiety kind of explains its existence with irrelevant things. Like "I have an interview soon, and it gives me anxiety". "I'm anxious about next month rent".

{"name":"ayzp0gvl4ehx.jpg","src":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/f\/c\/fc4690fdeb68a0e306984ef0aeac3aaa.jpg","w":600,"h":513,"tn":"\/\/djungxnpq2nug.cloudfront.net\/image\/cache\/f\/c\/fc4690fdeb68a0e306984ef0aeac3aaa"}ayzp0gvl4ehx.jpg

Things like "Last week I forgot to be anxious about a meeting and it went so bad!" just don't happen. The opposite happens.

I have felt anxiety, I've been depressed, I've gone to therapy. But I really am not a difficult case. I'm good now and I can pretty clear see the reasons to my down periods. That's why it's easy for me to see the ridiculousness in believing it's the trivial things that cause anxiety, even though they are the ones that might trigger the anxiety.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Years of thorough research have revealed that the red "x" that closes a window, really isn't red, but white on red background.

Years of thorough research have revealed that what people find beautiful about the Mandelbrot set is not the set itself, but all the rest.

Aaron Bolyard
Member #7,537
July 2006
avatar

Yeah, except an anxiety disorder is something wrong with your brain causing anxiety over insignificant things or from certain triggers.

In my case, I just get anxious literally for no reason.

Like this:

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---
ItsyRealm, a quirky 2D/3D RPG where you fight, skill, and explore in a medieval world with horrors unimaginable.
they / them / their - Erin Maus

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

My brain seems to have always worked differently than other people's. For example:

  • Some "common sense" escapes me. Things that most people take for granted escape me, which can land me in some pretty embarrassing situations. This is especially true for human behavior and interaction, but can also be true of the natural world around us.


  • I'm not very hands on either. Trivial things to most people are out of my grasp. I may be able to do them, but it will take me much longer to do than it would for most people.


  • I'm not at all aware of my surroundings most of the time. And I'm not at all aware of it.

These are things that are somewhat beyond my control. My brain thinks of different things than other people would. It's unclear if this is something that I was born with or something that developed from my environment, or some combination of both. Either way it has proven something not easily nor permanently overcome.

Another example: I don't see the world as malleable. If I see something wrong, like a water leak, that I don't have experience handling my instinct is that there's nothing that I can do about it aside from call somebody else for help. A normal person might try to wrap it in cloth to slow the leak, or put a bucket under it to capture water. They might try something to fix it, even if temporarily. Whereas I would likely not even consider touching it for fear of making it worse. It's just the way my brain works. I have to consciously override that thought process to overcome it. The more outside my skills/experiences it is the less likely I am to even consider doing that.

Even something simple like a box in the middle of the path. Normal people would just move it. It doesn't even cross my mind to move it. I navigate around it.

This gives me somewhat of a handicap in life. People don't realize the extra level of detail that I require to understand instructions. They give the same instructions they would give everybody else, and for most people that works fine and they get on with it. For me, instead, I find myself scratching my head guessing what they want me to do and hesitating to avoid making a mistake. Other people also erroneously think that I'm just being overly passive, and if I apply myself then I'll get it and do it properly. In reality, often, if I do try to apply myself I'll screw it up royally. This is frustrating for people around me, but it's at least as frustrating for me.

I think that this is at the core the source of my anxiety. It's not unwarranted at all. It has proven time and time again to be very much appropriate. The problem is seemingly society not having a place for someone like me. I've managed to skate under the radar so far with lots of help from friends, family, teachers, etc.

This doesn't mean that I'm completely helpless. I can do most things that most other people can do, but it requires more time for me to figure it out, and sometimes it requires more practice to get it right. It might require more detailed instructions, and more patience, and it doesn't hurt to have extra checks and balances in place to catch mistakes before they become expensive or time consuming.

The exception is typically with things like maths and computers. Things that are more conceptual or virtual than real. These generally came much easier to me than other things, which is why I am in the field that I am. Though even in this field I still sometimes suffer shortcomings as a result. I may waste time trying to solve a code or command issue, forgetting all about the ultimate goal, and focusing instead on an insignificant step to getting there.

As long as somebody out there is able to give me jobs to do that I am qualified to do I can thrive, but finding that somebody is the hard part. This obviously leaves me very much dependent on other people, and for an introvert with poor social skills that is a weak position to be in.

LennyLen
Member #5,313
December 2004
avatar

Bambams, maybe get yourself checked for Autism (esp. Asperger's, though it's not called that anymore) as well.

bamccaig
Member #7,536
July 2006
avatar

I have considered that possibility, and even suggested it to my wife. She doesn't believe me. I hoped that going to my doctor with these issues would have lead to his consideration of that, but so far it hasn't come up, and I feel like I shouldn't lead him into a diagnosis that he doesn't arrive at himself. Though I certainly have wondered if I would fall onto the spectrum somewhere.

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