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Love letters - OR - Yet another failed thread about a woman...
Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

Background :
I came across a picture of myself and a girl I used to date at my Senior Prom about 15 years ago. I started to really miss her, and so I looked her up on the internet. I found out she was living about 1000 miles away and I wrote a letter to her. I was the one who broke up with her and I might not have done it in the best way. I just stopped talking to her. In my letter I told her that I regretted leaving her more than anything else in my life and that I was still in love with her and that I wished we had gotten married. I also found out that she was married now and I told her I hoped she was happy with him and that he treated her right. I told her that I was sorry for the way that I treated her and I asked her to forgive me and I asked her how she had been over all these years. I thought that when we were together we had something really special together.

So I sent her my letter and I waited a month for her to reply but she never did. I wasn't sure if she had received my letter so I wrote her another one. I had also made her two mix CD's. I sent them both together in a package.

The post office left a notice for her to come pick up my package but after two weeks she never did. It took two more weeks for my package to come back to me. After that I amended my second letter asking her if she hated me, why she didn't pick up my package, and if she was still angry with me. I told her how I was missing her and that I wanted to make things up to her for what I did. I asked her if we could be friends again and if she would please reply to me.

So I sent my amended second letter sans the CD's and big suprise, another month passed and still no reply. I couldn't understand why she hadn't replied to me, so I wrote her a third letter. This time I told her I couldn't understand why she hadn't replied to me. I thought maybe I had said something inappropriate so I told her I was sorry if I had. I told her her silence was hurting my feelings and asked her again to please speak with me.

So I sent my third letter and 10 days later I finally received a communication from her, and she told me to 'cease and desist' all attempts to contact her or she would contact the authorities.

TL;DR;
I spent 4 months, and 3 letters trying to contact a former girlfriend and then she threatened to call the police if I talked to her again.

So :

  1. Was I wrong trying to contact her and make amends after 15 years apart?

  2. All I ever asked of her was to forgive me and to speak to me. All I wanted was to know how she's been and how she is now. Is this an unreasonable request to make of someone I used to be involved with, someone I took to my Senior Prom?

  3. Is my behaviour immoral or illegal? What if I sent her one last letter to say goodbye? Could I go to jail?

May this thread live in infamy forever....

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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I'm already laughing, and I haven't even started to read it yet! ;D

someone972
Member #7,719
August 2006
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Short answers:
1. No
2. No
3. No, in fact I see her behavior as poor. I mean come on, jumping strait from ignoring you to "Ima call police" is pretty harsh, especially since she didn't send anything after the first few that said she had received it and didn't want to talk or something. That's just setting them up to receive more letters.

I'll leave the long answers to the other members ;).

______________________________________
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23yrold3yrold
Member #1,134
March 2001
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This thread has promise ...

Anyway, that could just be how she feels about you. Or maybe she just got over a sexual harassment situation at work and she's in that state of mind. You can't really do anything about her reaction except get over it. It's not for you to understand. It's for you to accept.

--
Software Development == Church Development
Step 1. Build it.
Step 2. Pray.

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
avatar

Okay, I've read it now.

You are CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A letter professing your love after 15 years?? She probably didn't respond because she didn't want to confirm that she had received your stuff.

Dude, next time send a Facebook message or something.

What if I sent her one last letter to say goodbye?

Forgot about this question. Really? You need to ask that? NO, DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN. Women are notorious for saying the opposite of what they mean, but give her some credit, man, she's speaking the truth.

And no, you wouldn't get into legal trouble if aren't under any sort of restraining order (and assuming you aren't a 100% stalker-creeper), but still... Time to move on.

Arthur Kalliokoski
Second in Command
February 2005
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Let her know your mad skillz with Allegro :D.

They all watch too much MSNBC... they get ideas.

Mark Oates
Member #1,146
March 2001
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This is some dirty gossipy thread right here! :o

Dirty... dirty... robot gossip! :o

Here's the soundtrack:

video

Ok...

Was I wrong trying to contact her and make amends after 15 years apart?

Yes. Especially the part where you said "In my letter I told her that I regretted leaving her more than anything else in my life and that I was still in love with her and that I wished we had gotten married."

Here's what's happening. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You could say that your "moon" is aligned and your rosy retrospection is at an all time high. So much that you can't trust it.

Don't forget you left her and you did it for a reason. If you got back together with her again it would most likely be the same thing all over again. Having an impulsive longing for an ex is normal.

Quote:

All I wanted was to know how she's been and how she is now.

Your mind's not on right. You need to just wait it out.

23yrold3yrold
Member #1,134
March 2001
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Yes. Especially the part where you said "In my letter I told her that I regretted leaving her more than anything else in my life and that I was still in love with her and that I wished we had gotten married."

Ooooh, I missed that bit. Yeah, that's where she phoned and inquired about the restraining order. You don't say that to a married woman. Ever.

--
Software Development == Church Development
Step 1. Build it.
Step 2. Pray.

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

Dude, next time send a Facebook message or something.

She's not on Facebook, or any other social networking site.

I really wanted to talk to her, and I had three options. Write a letter / call her out of the blue / send her an email to a work account. I thought writing her a letter would be the least intrusive thing that I could do. She could take her time to read it and respond at her leisure.

Here's what's happening. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You could say that your "moon" is aligned and your rosy retrospection is at an all time high. So much that you can't trust it.

Don't forget you left her and you did it for a reason. If you got back together with her again it would most likely be the same thing all over again. Having an impulsive longing for an ex is normal.

I've missed my other ex's before this, but I've been missing her for the last few years now, and I've never missed any of them the way that I've been missing her. I may have left her, but it was because I wasn't ready, not because I didn't want to be with her. If getting back together with her would mean the same thing all over again, I would take it, because I loved every minute I was ever with her.

All I wanted was to know how she's been and how she is now.

Your mind's not on right. You need to just wait it out.

Wanting to know how someone you care about is doing is irrational?

Yes. Especially the part where you said "In my letter I told her that I regretted leaving her more than anything else in my life and that I was still in love with her and that I wished we had gotten married."

Ooooh, I missed that bit. Yeah, that's where she phoned and inquired about the restraining order. You don't say that to a married woman. Ever.

In my defense, the bit about wishing that we had gotten married was followed in the letter by "but I guess that will never happen now, and I will have to find a way to deal with that." Also in my defense, I told her I hoped she was happy with him and that he treated her right.

If an ex-girlfriend of mine had said those things to me (even if I was married), I would have been flattered, and honored that they thought so much of me that they were willing to spend the rest of their lives with me. Maybe it's different because she's a woman though, I don't know.

I admit, I may have said too much about the way I felt about her, but in my third letter I did everything I could to make up for it, and apologize for anything inappropriate.

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
avatar

Sending a letter = I know where you live. From a married women's perspective, that's creepy, especially with what you said.

If you must send a letter, then it should be very short:

"Hey, I came across a picture of us while going through some old stuff. I want to apologize for the way I left things. Hope you are doing well. If you wish to get in touch with me, here's my contact info."

The best way (other than a social network) would have been to perv-stalk one of her friends instead, and ask him or her to forward something along for you.

Mark Oates
Member #1,146
March 2001
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relpatseht
Member #5,034
September 2004
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Calls out of the blue are much less intrusive than letters. Letters are personal and thus very creepy if you've been out of touch for fifteen years. The longer you've been away from someone, the shorter/less personal you should probably be on initial contact. If they want to catch up, they'll set aside the time.

Reading the OP, you pretty much did the exact opposite of what you intended. Don't get me wrong, I can see how it made sense from your perspective, but ... damn, do you spend any time with women at all? They aren't that complex, dude.

This may even top one of bambam's for funniest thing I've read in a while.

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

Sending a letter = I know where you live. From a married women's perspective, that's creepy, especially with what you said.

We do live a 1000 miles apart. It's not like I'm gonna hop on the next plane to XXXX and show up at her house.

I attached the full text of my first letter sanitized for privacy's sake if anyone really wants to know what I said to her. I don't think the way I said things would have come off as creepy as you make it out to be.

Matthew Leverton said:

If you must send a letter, then it should be very short:

"Hey, I came across a picture of us while going through some old stuff. I want to apologize for the way I left things. Hope you are doing well. If you wish to get in touch with me, here's my contact info."

The best way (other than a social network) would have been to perv-stalk one of her friends instead, and ask him or her to forward something along for you.

Well, my letter definitely wasn't that short, but I don't think I said too much. I was honest and friendly and said what I thought needed to be said. There were some things that needed to be said that couldn't have been said so briefly. And do you seriously recommend passing notes to her friends to give to her?

... damn, do you spend any time with women at all? They aren't that complex, dude.

I don't know what you're talking about. If women are so simple and easy to figure out, then why did someone who used to be involved with me completely ignore me and then threaten me with the police? I would have been happy with any reply, but she chose to completely ignore me and then treat me like a criminal instead of treating me like a friend, which I am.

If one of my ex-girlfriends had written to me, asking me to forgive them and talk to them, wanting to know how I was, there's no way in hell I wouldn't have replied to them. I would never have ignored them, and I damn well never would have threatened them with the police.

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
avatar

I feel like a creeper just scanning your letters. :-[

I don't know how to put this... But if you cannot see that your letters are messed up, then you should seek help from a professional.

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
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Honestly, I don't see what I did wrong. I think I'd like a second opinion.

I never made threats, I didn't try to intimidate her, I didn't ask her to get back together with me. All I ever asked of her was to forgive me and to speak to me. All I did was ask her how she's been. I don't think that is a grievous request to make, especially of someone you used to have an intimate relationship with.

Mark Oates
Member #1,146
March 2001
avatar

I didn't ask her to get back together with me.

It was very clear that that was your intention. You may be convinced that your intentions were less than that, but it's very clear that you want more.

All I ever asked of her was to forgive me and to speak to me.

You dumped a lot more on her than that. When you say all those things, you put a lot on the person - you're asking the person to process and respond to a lot.

And for a girl, that's really scary.

All I did was ask her how she's been. I don't think that is a grievous request to make, especially of someone you used to have an intimate relationship with.

That was fifteen years ago, homie. :(

23yrold3yrold
Member #1,134
March 2001
avatar

I think I'd like a second opinion.

If Matthew's was the first, Mark's is a second, and I'll agree as the third before you ask. I repeat: you need to accept and move on. And if you find that difficult, then your intentions are a lot more than you consciously think they are.

--
Software Development == Church Development
Step 1. Build it.
Step 2. Pray.

Yodhe23
Member #8,726
June 2007

Fourth'd.

You need to move on, and stop acting like a potential stalker.

www.justanotherturn.com

james_lohr
Member #1,947
February 2002

She is married, and even if she wasn't you should have got the message a long time ago. Fuck off and leave her alone. Seriously.

Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
avatar

@Mark Oates
I won't deny that I wanted her back, but I never made mention of it at all. I don't feel like I pressured her to do anything implicitly and not explicitly either.

Is it really so much to ask of her to tell me if she forgives me and whether she's doing well?

In the five to ten minutes it took her to type up her 'cease and desist' letter, she could easily have written :

I (do/don't) forgive you.
I'm fine.
(How are you?)
I (do/don't) want to speak to you again.

At least that would have been the decent thing to do. Instead she completely ignored me and then threatened me with the police.

I admit some of the things I said may have been too personal, but I don't think that they were so egregious that they couldn't have been addressed in a reply without resorting to threats. It's not like we were complete strangers or anything. We were each other's first love's, and she was my Senior Prom date. It may have been 15 years ago, but I remember it all like it was yesterday. Is it really such a shock to know that someone you used to be with loves you?

@Yodhe23
I'm not a stalker, potential or otherwise. I just wanted to get in touch with someone I used to know who I care about.

@James Lohr
So no one else can care about her anymore? No one else is allowed to talk to her anymore? Marriage isn't supposed to be a prison. And now that I know she doesn't want me to talk to her I won't. I'll respect her wishes, but if I hadn't tried to get in touch with her again I would have regretted it forever.

james_lohr
Member #1,947
February 2002

I admit some of the things I said may have been too personal, but I don't think that they were so egregious that they couldn't have been addressed in a reply without resorting to threats. It's not like we were complete strangers or anything. We were each other's first love's, and she was my Senior Prom date. It may have been 15 years ago, but I remember it all like it was yesterday. Is it really such a shock to know that someone you used to be with loves you?

Mark was much too polite when he said "You could say that your "moon" is aligned and your rosy retrospection is at an all time high." What you are feeling is not love, it's a poorly disguised desire to screw her.

I just stopped talking to her

Do you think the rejection you are feeling now is even a scratch compared to the hurt and rejection you will have caused her to feel?

[EDIT] And don't somehow twist this into "oooh, she was hurt by me leaving her therefore she must have really loved me back then, and so maybe she still secretly loves me now". Seriously. No. Stop twisting things. She doesn't love you. I repeat in no uncertain terms: fuck off and leave her alone.

Is it really so much to ask of her to tell me if she forgives me and whether she's doing well?

Yes. Firstly because it's more than you deserve, and secondly because, in your twisted mind, you would have gotten totally the wrong message and would still be stalking her now.

Quote:

So no one else can care about her anymore? No one else is allowed to talk to her anymore? Marriage isn't supposed to be a prison.

Of course not, but, in the context of her being married, your letters go way beyond being inappropriate. The simple fact that you sent them knowing that she is married was disrespectful. Did you even consider how your letters might make her feel? ...

I would have been flattered, and honored that they thought so much of me that they were willing to spend the rest of their lives with me

..oh wait, you did and you were waaaay off the mark.

I admit some of the things I said may have been too personal, but I don't think that they were so egregious that they couldn't have been addressed in a reply without resorting to threats.

If pretending that she is somehow in the wrong helps you get over it, then so be it, but at some point you need to get in touch with reality.

Quote:

And now that I know she doesn't want me to talk to her I won't. I'll respect her wishes, but if I hadn't tried to get in touch with her again I would have regretted it forever.

Good. That's the first sensible thing you've said in this thread.

Dizzy Egg
Member #10,824
March 2009
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Wow...your insane.

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Edgar Reynaldo
Major Reynaldo
May 2007
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What you are feeling is not love, it's a poorly disguised desire to screw her.

You are way off base with this. I really do love her, and I miss her, and it's not because of sex. We never even had sex before, and given that she lives a thousand miles away I knew that wouldn't have been a possibility anyway.

James Lohr said:

Do you think the rejection you are feeling now is even a scratch compared to the hurt and rejection you will have caused her to feel?

I've had more than one woman that I was involved with stop talking to me without explanation. I forgave them, and I still care about them, and I would still talk to them if they contacted me.

James Lohr said:

Yes. Firstly because it's more than you deserve, and secondly because, in your twisted mind, you would have gotten totally the wrong message and would still be stalking her now.

My mind is not twisted, and I wouldn't have read anything into what she said that wasn't there, and I wasn't stalking her to begin with. Isn't there anyone that you care about that you might want to get in touch with? Or are you just willing to accept that the people you used to know are just gone?

James Lohr said:

Did you even consider how your letters might make her feel?

Yes, and if I thought that they were going to upset her or cause her problems I wouldn't have sent them. You think I honestly wanted her to feel bad about anything?

Mark Oates
Member #1,146
March 2001
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Edgar, I think you should deactivate your emotion chip for now. :-/

I think I know what you're feeling... you just got to wait it out. Acknowledge the feelings and allow them to exorcize themselves. Be confident in the knowledge that when you're under a powerful emotional force like this, it will cause you to make poor decisions and bad judgements, and, just give it time.

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
avatar

judgements

judgments, if you are a God fearing American.

I was going to post some more great advice, but I think I'll wait to hear bambam's hilarious reply.



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