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Post your lame puns/jokes
kikabo
Member #3,679
July 2003
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Q: What's brown and knocks on the window
A: See previous post

edit: I hate that joke, sorry just slipped out

Neil Black
Member #7,867
October 2006
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[quot]"...I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."
</quote>

I want to go do this right now. I hate living in a town with no escalators!

"So they say the government has been spending $10,000 on a hammer and $15,000 on a screwdriver. The IRS sent me a bill for 25,000 dollars, so I sent them a Black and Decker circular saw and told them to keep the change." - somewhere on the internet

I am Mildly Annoying Man!
I barely witnessed it. I was half asleep at the time. At first I thought he had fallen out of bed, but then I slowly realized that he had, in fact, just jump-kicked his way into consciousness.

ixilom
Member #7,167
April 2006
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Two men were driving a late night when they saw a hitchhiking nun.
They picked up the nun and later the nun said, "I'm sorry I have no money to pay you fellows".
One the the guys answers, "I'm sure there are other ways you can pay".
They stop on the side of the road and get it on in the dark bushes doggystyle.
Later when they get back in the car the nun says "Btw, my name is Burt, I'm on my way to a masquerade"

___________________________________________
Democracy in Sweden? Not since 2008-Jun-18.
<someone> The lesbians next door bought me a rolex for my birthday.
<someone> I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

Bob Keane
Member #7,342
June 2006

Two amoeba walk out of a bar/pub. One looks up and sees a street light/lamp and says "Say, is that the sun, or the moon?". The other turns to him and replies "I don't know, I'm not from around here.". Fozzie Bear.

By reading this sig, I, the reader, agree to render my soul to Bob Keane. I, the reader, understand this is a legally binding contract and freely render my soul.
If we get apple juice from squeezing apples, and we get prunes from drying out plums, where does prune juice come from?
Hi Randall Monroe.

MiquelFire
Member #3,110
January 2003
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A co-woker said:

When a window washer applys for an IT job, does he/she put windows under experience?

Not sure how that got brought up.

---
People = Idiots; Person = Smart *compared to people*; Persons = undefined;
MiquelFire.com | +Me
Windows 8 is a toned, stylish, polished professional athlete. But it’s wearing clown makeup, and that creates a serious image problem. ~PCWorld Article

gnolam
Member #2,030
March 2002
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Quote:

What do you get if you cross a pig with a chicken?

Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

A: Nothing. You can't cross a scaler with a vector...

--
Move to the Democratic People's Republic of Vivendi Universal (formerly known as Sweden) - officially democracy- and privacy-free since 2008-06-18!

Johan Halmén
Member #1,550
September 2001

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mouse?
A dead mouse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Years of thorough research have revealed that the red "x" that closes a window, really isn't red, but white on red background.

Years of thorough research have revealed that what people find beautiful about the Mandelbrot set is not the set itself, but all the rest.

TeamTerradactyl
Member #7,733
September 2006
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gnolam: I just KNOW that one is going to be funny, but I'm trying to understand the play-on-words for "mosquito" and "vector"...

You got C++? So if I got B-, I'm smarter than you?
He got hit so hard, he fell off the internet.
SOH CAH TOA: "some old hippie caught another hippie tripping on acid" - Jeff Bernard

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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vector: carrier of an infectious agent; capable of transmitting infection from one host to another;

TeamTerradactyl
Member #7,733
September 2006
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;D! Thanks, Matt. Every search for "vector" brought up programming jargon instead of anything linking mosquitoes. gnolam: that was excellent (and I learned a new word)!

You got C++? So if I got B-, I'm smarter than you?
He got hit so hard, he fell off the internet.
SOH CAH TOA: "some old hippie caught another hippie tripping on acid" - Jeff Bernard

Matthew Leverton
Supreme Loser
January 1999
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I suppose I should teach you how to fish. Enter "define:vector" into Google.

Joel Pettersson
Member #4,187
January 2004

What did the doctor say to the patient?

You sick bastard!

Bob Keane
Member #7,342
June 2006

Possumdude0: That was Rodney Dangerfield.

By reading this sig, I, the reader, agree to render my soul to Bob Keane. I, the reader, understand this is a legally binding contract and freely render my soul.
If we get apple juice from squeezing apples, and we get prunes from drying out plums, where does prune juice come from?
Hi Randall Monroe.

jhuuskon
Member #302
April 2000
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Quote:

Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care. Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care. Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care. So why am I singing his song!

Bender said:

Fry cracked corn and I don't care. Leela cracked corn and I don't care. Bender cracked corn and he is great! Take that you stupid corn!

You don't deserve my sig.

Arthur Kalliokoski
Second in Command
February 2005
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Matthew said:

I suppose I should teach you how to fish. Enter "define:vector" into Google.

Wow! Thanks, Matt! learn something new every day...

Nothing matters and what if it did

Ariesnl
Member #2,902
November 2002
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Why does an architect have his house made backwards ?

So he can watch tv at the same time.

( read it loud if you don't get it)

- Wisdom is the art of using knowledge
- String theory: There's music in everything

miran
Member #2,407
June 2002

I don't get it. At the same time as what? :(

--
sig used to be here

GullRaDriel
Member #3,861
September 2003
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  • What is the difference between an American and a yogurt ?

- The yogurt, after some time, start to develop some culture
___________________________________________________________________________________

  • In a train, an American sits in front of a French, and spit one time to the left of the face of the man, one time to the right, with an amazing accuracy.
    He present himself: "Hi, I am James Billton, Spitting World Champion".
    The man stands up and spit on his face: "Hi, I am Pierre Martin, amateur"

___________________________________________________________________________________

  • A Texan guy come to Paris and take a taxi.

The taxi drives near "L'arc de Triomphe":

Texan : "What is that ?"
Taxi Driver: "It is our triumphal arch"
Texan: "How long did it take to build it ?"
Taxi Driver: "It should have took five years"
Texan: "Heh, in my country it takes 3 days"

The taxi drives near "Notre Dame":

Texan: "What is that ?"
Taxi Driver: "It is our church, Notre Dame"
Texan: "How long did it take to build it ?"
Taxi Driver: "Hooo, near 40 years."
Texan: "Heh, in my country it takes 6 days"

Now the taxi driver starts to be a little bit nervous.
It is now driving near "La Tour Eiffel":

Texan: "What is that ?"
Taxi Driver: "What ? I do not know, it was not there this morning"

;-)

___________________________________________________________________________________

This is the transcript of the 'actual' radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authourities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, thats one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

___________________________________________________________________________________

( I am too lazy to translate )

Dans un hôtel, en France, un touriste français prend tranquillement son petit déjeuner :
café, croissant, baguette, beurre et confiture.
Un touriste américain mâchant son chewing gum s'installe en face de lui.
Bien que le français l'ignore, l'américain engage la conversation :
- L'Américain : Vous les français, vous mangez tout le pain ?
- Le Français (de mauvaise humeur) : - Oui.
L'Américain (après avoir fait une grosse bulle avec son chewing gum) :
- Nous en Amérique, on mange juste l'intérieur.
La croute, on la met dans des containers, on recycle en faisant des croissants et on les vends aux Français.
L'américain a un petit sourire sur le visage, le français écoute en silence.
- L'Américain persiste : Vous mangez la confiture avec le pain ?
- Le Français : Oui.
L'américain (une grosse bulle éclate sur sa figure et d'un coup de langue habile, il ravale son chewing gum et continue à mâcher...) :
- Nous pas, en Amérique,on mange des fruits frais au petit déjeuner.
Et on met les pelures,les pépins et les restes dans un containers, on les recycle en faisant de la confiture et on la vends aux Français.
Le Français demande alors : - Faites-vous l'amour en Amérique ?
- L'Américain : yeah bien sûr, très souvent dit-il avec un large sourire.
- Le Français : Et que faites vous des préservatifs utilisés ?
- L'Américain : Et bien comme tout le monde, on les jette.
- Le Français : Pas nous, une fois utilisés, on les recycle dans des containers, on fait du chewing gum et on le vend aux Américains ...

___________________________________________________________________________________

Do you know the difference between a one minute blow job and a one minute ass fuck ?

- Well, heh, no ?
- Do you have two minutes ...

___________________________________________________________________________________

;D

"Code is like shit - it only smells if it is not yours"
Allegro Wiki, full of examples and articles !!
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If no moderator answers you then register and PM here !

Johan Halmén
Member #1,550
September 2001

Quote:

I am too lazy to translate

Babelfish said:

In a hotel, in France, a French tourist has his breakfast quietly:
coffee, growing, rod, butter and jam.
An American tourist chewing his chewing gum settles opposite him.
Although French is unaware of it, American engages the conversation:
- the American: You them French, you eat all the bread?
- the French (of bad mood): - Yes.
The American (after having made a large bubble with its chewing gum): - Us in America, one eats just the interior. The crust, one puts it in containers, one recycles by making crescents and one sell them to the French.
American has a small smile on the face, French listens in silence.
- the American persists: You eat jam with the bread?
- the French: Yes. American (a large bubble bursts on its figure and of a skilful blow of language, it plasters its chewing gum and continues to chew...):
- Us not, in America, one eats fresh fruits with the breakfast. And one puts the peels, the pips and the remainders in containers, one recycles them by making jam and one sell it to the French.
The French asks then:
- do you Make love in America?
- the American: yeah of course, very often says it with a broad smile.
- the French: And what make condoms used?
- the American: And well like everyone, one throws them.
- the French: Not us, once used, one recycles them in containers, one makes chewing gum and one sells it to the Americans...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Years of thorough research have revealed that the red "x" that closes a window, really isn't red, but white on red background.

Years of thorough research have revealed that what people find beautiful about the Mandelbrot set is not the set itself, but all the rest.

GullRaDriel
Member #3,861
September 2003
avatar

Héhé Johan, even translated I can understand it ;-)

"Code is like shit - it only smells if it is not yours"
Allegro Wiki, full of examples and articles !!
My FlickR ! - Old photo gallery
If no moderator answers you then register and PM here !

miran
Member #2,407
June 2002

Quote:

Héhé Johan, even translated I can understand it ;-)

And it probably even sounds like perfect English to you, right? ;)

--
sig used to be here

GullRaDriel
Member #3,861
September 2003
avatar

Miran said:

And it probably even sounds like perfect English to you, right? ;)

There was Miran's contrib to the "Post your lame puns/jokes" topic ;-)

"Code is like shit - it only smells if it is not yours"
Allegro Wiki, full of examples and articles !!
My FlickR ! - Old photo gallery
If no moderator answers you then register and PM here !

Johan Halmén
Member #1,550
September 2001

Babelfish also said:

What is liquid than water?
The mother-in-law. It is completely redundant.

Leider ist es nicht so lustig wie auf Deutsch.

Also sprach Babelfisch:
"Kellner! Was ist diese Suppe?"
"Es ist Bohnensuppe."
"Ich interessiere mich nicht, was es gewesen ist! Ich möchte wissen, was es jetzt ist!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Years of thorough research have revealed that the red "x" that closes a window, really isn't red, but white on red background.

Years of thorough research have revealed that what people find beautiful about the Mandelbrot set is not the set itself, but all the rest.

Slartibartfast
Member #8,789
June 2007
avatar

A classic excerpt from THHGTTG:
"What's so bad about being drunk?"
"Ask a glass of water."

Also a classic insult: (might suffer a bit due to translation)
"Your index of nilpotence is 1"

Bob Keane
Member #7,342
June 2006

By reading this sig, I, the reader, agree to render my soul to Bob Keane. I, the reader, understand this is a legally binding contract and freely render my soul.
If we get apple juice from squeezing apples, and we get prunes from drying out plums, where does prune juice come from?
Hi Randall Monroe.



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