So I've never been officially diagnosed--my parent really let me down and never took me to any kind of mental doctor so they basically just let me go insane and become close to suicidal as a teen. For a couple years I actually thought I had cancer and any night I went to bed might be the last time I wake up. But that's slightly off topic. My point is I've got symptoms of maybe some kind of autism or Asperger's.
My whole life I've been called a "genius" (their words, not mine) and at the same time very few people really "click" with me. Till I met my wife, I preferred the company of dogs to people. I understood dogs, and dogs never bully you. So when we'd have xmas/events/etc I'll "associate" with people, but within 20 minutes I end up going off by myself and taking the dogs out or something. I used to try really hard to make that "click" happen, and now I just avoid it because it's like I don't want to bother happening.
I can't explain it. It's like I've learned how to be human from being an outsider... looking in. I often was not invited to events/parties/etc, not because I'm an asshole, but I literally don't know "how" to speak to people. And you can see here, I'm fairly cogent and expressive. But somehow, it's like the topics themselves. Even now, I can't think of anything to ask someone blindly to start a conversation that involves anything other than pleasantries/co-workers/clients "hello/goodbye" stuff.
Funny thing was, I was "hot" so girls would talk to me but then they'd interact with me and be turned off. Again, you can point some of that to awkwardness but a lot of it is simply... we don't want to talk about the same things. When I was a house party full of drunk lesbians my friend and I got invited to... I went up to a girl I knew from class and said, "So how's life?". My friend thought that was hilarious, and I still don't know what is exactly "off" about it, but it's certainly not "party" conversation I guess.
I have a lot of researched ideas and cool plans but it feels like I can never convince someone to actually come along and join me. It's as simple as even, I have a Discord channel, and most people will end up using theirs and I go to their channel. Or, I'll send e-mails about cool stuff (tech/software/movies/whatever), and 99% of all e-mails sent in that list... are from me--with no replies. And I can't tell what's going on, or why, but I can notice patterns. And clearly, I'm "contributing" a disproportionate amount of "submissions" to that e-mail threads. And most (or all) actually read the e-mails... supposedly. But why never reply? Do my "arguments" leave no room or "fun" for debate? Am I "too" well spoken with my arguments that nobody wants to attempt to debate them? Or am I too "badly" spoken with my writing that nobody cares?
I have no idea. Until about a week ago (for years!) my health has been worsening and my head very clouded so I haven't had an introverted brainstorm like this in awhile. It's kind of beautiful to feel like my brain is coming back.
You should drink flavored water instead.
That's interesting. I hadn't thought of that in a while. I used to love instant lemonaid.